While we have always insisted that predicting stuff is difficult, especially when it’s about the future, we have had some success in past predictions. For instance, we accurately predicted that President Trump’s inaugural address would cause so many whiplash incidents among Democrats that the entire caucus would be placed in the concussion protocol, On the other hand, our prediction that Canadian College football would institute a championship bowl game known as the “Tournament of Hosers” turned out to be wishful thinking. So was our prediction of a seventh Super Bowl win by our Steelers.
If you shared our dashed hopes, we say, better times are coming. I mean, seriously, did you see what the Bungles did to the Ravens? That’s gotta be a good omen. However, if you placed a bet based on last year’s prediction, we say, what are you, some kind of nut?
Also, if we forgot to predict that the Pens would repeat as Stanley Cup champs, it was probably due to Russian collusion because we totally knew the Pens were headed for hockey immortality. You know what? Alexander Ovechkin was practically born in Moscow . . . hey wait, he actually was born in Moscow. We looked it up on wikipedia and, while we were at it, we looked up the word “collusion” . It comes from the Latin for “playing together”. So if you’re playing hockey with Ovechkin, Boom! Russian collusion.
Anyway, we’re going to try to make this year’s predictions a little more realistic for reasons we will go into below:
Sports – After a first round bye, the Steelers will face the Jacksonville Jaguars in a rematch of their embarrassing loss in the fifth game of the regular season and reverse that 30 – 9 score in their favor. This will please the gods of football since no one named Blake Bortles should ever come within a wild card of the Lombardi trophy. After an impressive Grapefruit League start, the Pirates will stumble into the regular season attempting to make up for poor starting pitching and a hollowed-out bullpen with so-so hitting and shaky base-running. Pens three-peat!
Politics – President Trump will break with longstanding precedent by tweeting his State of the Union Address. In it, he will stress both the tremendousness of his domestic accomplishments and the fantasticness of his foreign policy. Frustrated Democrats will demand that he deliver the speech in person so that they may shown on television sitting and grimacing while Republicans perform standing ovation after standing ovation. President Trump’s suggestion that, instead of “Hail to the Chief”, the Marine Corps band should play “I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt” at presidential appearances will prompt Chief of Staff and former Marine General Kelly to threaten to resign.
Media – Former network anchors Tom Brokaw, Bill Moyers, and Dan Rather will be brought out of retirement so that they can be accused of sexual improprieties and retroactively fired. Mainstream media will continue to ignore favorable economic news insisting that people may die from shock if the value of their retirement accounts continues to skyrocket. President tweets video of himself giving “wet willie” to CNN-headed wrestler.
Entertainment – Aging rapper Eminem, a/k/a Marshall Mathers, will perform at the Grammy awards telecast, employing simplistic rhymes and exaggerated hand gestures to communicate the message that he “double-dog dares” the president to say anything about him. Singer/songwriter Taylor Swift will enrage feminists by restricting her public remarks to singing and song writing. In an effort to remain relevant, the Kardashian family will launch a line of fragrances called, “Butt of Course.”
Geopolitics – North Korean dictator Kim jong Un will tweet video of himself placing orange faced man who strongly resembles President Trump in a headlock. US Pacific fleet will go to Defcon-2. Iranian Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei will threaten all-out nuclear retaliation when President Trump refers to him in a tweet as “the Turban cowboy.”
Local – After a thrill-packed five year run, the Idler will go on sabbatical. We intend to explore new vistas in idling, while employing, of course, the least possible effort. We’re not sure where, but it would almost have to be someplace warmer than this. We may be back from time to time if the editor gets desperate enough Meanwhile, we hope you’ll remember our prime directive: Don’t just do something, stand there.
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