This is the time of year when we’re supposed to look back and see what fools we made of ourselves over the past twelve months. Normally we would first want to play with our Christmas presents, but it will take a while to assemble this beekeeping kit, and you can only wear one pair of socks at a time.
It was a totally nutty year, and as usual it went by in a heckuva hurry. Yes, it is a cliche to say the time goes so fast, but the time goes so fast. For example . . .
January Steelers beat the Dolphins at home, 30 – 12 in the AFC wild card game, then beat the Chiefs 18 – 16 at Arrowhead. President Trump is inaugurated followed by marches, demonstrations and howling at the moon. Steelers are defeated convincingly by the Pats, raising suspicion that coach Belichick responsible for distracting political turmoil. In a cross-country book tour, losing presidential candidate Hillary Clinton blames Belichick for election loss.
February There was the Super Bowl for those interested. The rest of the month is normal dismal February except for Groundhog’s Day which was pretty cool. Also, Pens season really gets going. Valentine’s Day is in there somewhere. (Note to self: check almanac for that.) Some movies we never heard of win academy awards. Losing presidential candidate Hillary Clinton blames Wikileaks for loss.
March Azizi, a West African Black Rhinoceros gives birth to a calf at the Pittsburgh Zoo but is upstaged by April, a New York giraffe, in a blatant example of species privilege. Attempts to organize protest marches founder when potential participants decline to wear hats resembling Rhino reproductive organs. Lenten fish fries awesome as usual. The president busies himself taking shots at his political opponents on Twitter while his opponents talk about Russia non-stop. Hillary Clinton blames Russia for loss.
April The largest non-nuclear bomb ever used in combat, the MOAB, is dropped on the Tora Bora area of Afghanistan, leaving upwards of 100 Taliban and ISIS fighters killed and thousand really, really jittery. Dozens of cruise missiles are fired at ISIS targets in Syria. Pirates lose the opener to the Red Sox 5 – 3. Hillary Clinton blames Fenway’s Green monster for loss. The media continues to talk about Russia non-stop. The Pens beat up on the Columbus Blue Jackets, winning the series 4 – 1.
May President Trump fires extremely tall FBI chief James Comey causing the media to continue talking about Russia non-stop, only louder. Anthony Weiner pleads guilty. The Pens take an exciting series against the Caps, winning the seventh game in D.C. Upon realizing he can issue executive orders, the president practices by revoking all the executive orders of his predecessor causing the media to suspect Russian influence. Hillary Clinton blames Anthony Weiner for loss. Pens win a cliff-hanger seventh game over the Ottawa Senators in double overtime to qualify for the Stanley Cup finals. Bucs end the month 24 – 30. Steelers draft Juju.
June The Pens take the cup in six games in spite of a mysterious catfish throwing incident perpetrated by a crazed Nashville Predator fan. Hillary Clinton blames catfish for loss. The Pirates break even for the month, staying 6 games under .500.
July The media explodes over President Trump’s posting on Twitter of a video depicting himself at a professional wrestling event body slamming someone with a head consisting of the CNN logo. Hillary Clinton blames professional wrestling for loss. Pennsylvania okays the use of marijuana for medical treatment, resulting in the Commonwealth becoming marginally groovier. Bucs have a good month, finishing at 51 – 54
August Guy with a mustache who thinks he’s a girl wins girl’s high school track meet. Total eclipse of the sun exciting for some, snooze for others. Hillary Clinton blames total eclipse for loss. Bucs have crappy August finishing at 63 – 71
September Lots of hurricanes n at, but none hitting us. Media seemingly tiring of Russia story now barking about obstruction. Kids go back to school. Hillary Clinton blames hurricanes for loss. Bucs have dismal September, finishing the season at 75 – 87. Steelers slap Vikes around. NFL players kneel during anthem, getting everybody pretty steamed.
October Astros beat Dodgers in seven to win series. Big hurricane hits Puerto Rico then Florida causing dozens of politicians to blame each other for whatever they can say with a straight face. Whacko opens fire on concert goers in las Vegas causing dozens of politicians to , . . . you know. Hillary Clinton blames dozens of politicians for loss.
November Weiner goes bye-bye. Famous media personalities shown to be major pervs, summarily fired. Hillary Clinton blames media pervs for loss..
December Okay, this stuff just happened. Besides, it looks like some of the bees have escaped. Hillary Clinton blames escaped bees for loss.
Happy New Year!
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