If, as you are reading this, you are about to sit down to your thanksgiving meal, may we say on behalf of the whole Idler family: we hope your feast is bountiful and your holiday cheerful and serene.
Of course, for that latter scenario to materialize, you’ll have to bind and gag all of the political extremists among the guests and, given how their numbers have grown in the past year, you’ll probably run out of rope At least you’ll have most of the turkey to yourself.
It’s an unusual time in politics. A month before the election, candidate A went about insisting that candidate B swear a dark and bloody oath that he would accept the results of the election as final, and when candidate B balked, described such an answer as “horrifying.” Thirteen months after the election, candidate A, who lost, is still publicly carping about her opponent’s victory, saying horrifying things like, “There are lots of questions about its legitimacy”
This is not helping our holiday disposition.
We think it’s a good sign that the winning Republicans are starting to quarrel among themselves and that the losing Democrats are starting to gear up for the 2020 presidential election as well as the 2018 midterms. The 2016 election is over. If your side won, enjoy it because the pendulum is bound to swing back the other way. If your side lost, you have nowhere to go but up.
Meanwhile, what to do about the diehards at your holiday event? The Idler can help:
- Get really drunk. Better yet, pretend to be really drunk. Actual drunkenness is bad for your health and can land you in the doghouse or the pokey. But pretend drunkenness allows you to defuse potentially explosive situations by being harmlessly annoying. For instance, let’s say a guest decides to proclaim, “That bum, Trump, should be impeached!”, or “When are they going to lock up that criminal, Hillary!”. That’s when it’s important for there to be a drunk to stagger up, take the offending party in a bear hug, point a finger and shout, “See this guy right here? This is the guy!” Even if it’s your maiden aunt.
- Take an “emotional support” animal with you. People are used to hearing about them ever since that story broke about an airline passenger’s emotional support pig that ran amok in coach. Or there was the guy in Florida whose landlord objects to his emotional support squirrel. If you take an orangutan, just tell everyone that loud voices spook him.
- If that doesn’t work, try an emotional support Komodo dragon. Remember not to put him near anyone else’s emotional support animal or small child. Or luggage. Tell everyone he’s a strict libertarian.
- Before saying grace, announce that you’ve contracted narcolepsy. As soon as someone brings up politics, go face down in the yams.
- When anyone gets political, remark offhandedly that you happened to bump into a secretary who worked in his office, oh, 20 or 30 years ago and she seemed distraught.
- Install a series of trap doors, being careful to arrange for soft landings..
If none of these work, go back to #1, go ahead and hand off your car keys and get smashed.
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In last week’s column we reported on convicted felon Anthony Weiner’s appeal for pen-pals as he was hauled off to a federal detention center. Seeing it as an opportunity to leaven justice with mercy, we transmitted several items of correspondence in a segment we entitled, “Hey Weiner!” More have arrived, which we feature in this week’s edition of, “Hey Weiner!”
Hey Weiner: I do not wish you any harm, my friend, but I must tell you that I am the true Carlos Danger, proud bearer of the Danger name which had gone unblemished down through the generations until you came along to drag it through the mud. The entire Danger family breathed a sigh of relief when your were convicted and sentenced! <signed> Carlos P. Danger
Weiner: Carlos, bubeleh, my sincerest apologies! My appeal attorney and I were just discussing our next moves when someone wondered aloud if there was a “real” Carlos Danger. Funny how things just seem to pop up for me sometimes. I hope you don’t mind if my lawyer calls you, and don’t worry, he won’t be recording it or anything.
Hey Weiner: A word to the wise from an old ex-con: Don’t tell anybody you’re in there for “tweeting.” Sounds too much like singing. Also, don’t offer to show anyone your “selfie.” The average inmate may not be up to date on social media jargon.
Hey Weiner: Ask them if they’ll give you Manson’s old cell. That’d be awesome.
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