“My honey my baby, don’t put my love upon no shelf, She said don’t give me no lines and keep your hands to yourself” – Georgia Satellites

Today we will attempt to do something we are not even remotely qualified to do, which is: Discuss relations between the sexes.

Idler 251 C

But first, we’d like to offer our services to the owners and operators of the new website, “Ourtime.com,” which bills itself as a dating website for people over 50. We thought we might be able to earn some extra take home by doing marketing for the site, i.e., providing snappy advertising slogans like, “Wake up and put your teeth in, it’s date time!” Or, “Start looking for your keys, you’ve got a date in two hours!”

But we were more taken with the fact that the name, if you sound it out, “Our-time-dot-com” sounds just like “Our Day Will Come”, the 1963 hit by Ruby and the Romantics which only people over 50 will remember. No, wait, it was covered by Amy Winehouse, so some of you youngsters may recognize it. Suffice it to say, it’s the perfect theme song, so, website geeks, get Ruby on the phone and make the deal. You can send our check care of the Valley Mirror.

Getting back to sex, ha-ha, which is what we’re talking about. People like to say “gender” now, as if Queen Victoria will faint at the mere mention of “sex.” Well gender is something nouns and pronouns have, in addition to person, number and case. In some languages, ordinary objects are gendered, masculine or feminine. A Frenchman will say, “the car, she is stalled!” but a Spaniard will say, “my horse, he is running last”. That’s gender. Sex is, well, let’s say it hasn’t much to do with cars or horses.

And there certainly has been a lot of sex in the news lately, almost all of it of the dumpster-fire variety. Luckily we personally haven’t gotten involved in anything scandalous or legally actionable so we won’t be coming out as gay in order to deflect attention, a la Kevin Spacey. But it seems like everywhere you turn someone is claiming to have been mauled or pawed, clinched or pinched. Some say they were fondled, others manhandled. How about even squeezed or caressed. Or worse.

All of these horrible activities come under the general heading of “unwelcome advances,” a phrase that has always given us some difficulty. Anyone who took a good long look at Harvey Weinstein, current public enemy #1, would estimate that any advance he made would be unwelcome. Assuming he owns a mirror you’d think he would be aware of this state of affairs. But could the same be said of advances initiated by, say, Brad Pitt?

There’s another key word: “initiated.” That’s where the problem lies. Someone has to initiate, and in most cultures the initiator is the guy. Oh sure, there are a lot of junior-high female teachers nowadays who are initiating like our dog Buster when dad had to turn the hose on him, but that still seems to be the exception.

So there we have our young man, eager to “initiate” but fearful of the possibility that his advances will be “unwelcome.” Our current cultural scolds will tell him that he should NEVER under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES make unwelcome advances, but he will no doubt reply that he won’t know if they are unwelcome until he makes them.

On the one hand, you want the least possible involvement with law enforcement, but on the other hand, if grandpa hadn’t made some borderline unwelcome advances to grandma, many of us wouldn’t be here. Someone has to get the get the game underway.

So our advice comes down to exactly what your grandparents would tell you: Fellows, take the initiative, but act like gentlemen. Gals, act like ladies but practice your stiff-arm just in case. And don’t try the Kevin Spacey excuse. No one will believe you.

Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook

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