We’re doing our level best to avoid talking about current events, but it’s not easy. Even when we’re successful in dodging stories of mass carnage or gross perversion, a little gem of a headline pops through and we think we might have to entertain it. Like this one from the New York Post: “Shrinks Take to Streets to Demand ‘narcissistic’ Trump’s Ouster” There’s even a picture of them, one shrink out front with a snare drum and behind him two with a banner leading a bunch of rumpled looking mental health professionals. The caption? “They’re not nuts about Trump.”
Face it, that’s comedy gold, Jerry, but we couldn’t help but think it would just lead to some unpleasant political argle-bargle which we’d just as soon avoid. Because as soon as you say, “yeah Trump is a nut”, someone jumps up and says, “Oh, so you hate Trump!” And you say, “No, we think he’s pretty funny,” whereupon someone else jumps up and say, “Oh, so you love Trump!” Why can’t he be a nut, pretty funny, and the president all at once? It wouldn’t be the first time as any Chester A. Arthur fan could tell you.
Since we like to pretend to be up on all types of scientific stuff, we thought we could avoid politics by taking a whack at the Yellowstone volcano. Turns out it’s just as horrifying as the political news. According to scientists wearing white lab coats, it’s a “super-volcano”, and if this thing goes off, we’re talking, like 10 times the size of the Mt. St. Helens, with a crater 40 miles wide. How often does it go off? Once every several hundred thousand years. When was the last time it went off? Six hundred thirty thousand years ago. So we’re pretty much toast.
The local crime scene is often good for some laughs, particularly the story of Barry Clapperton, a guy who tried to beat the check at Primanti’s. A fellow patron tried to settle the bill, but then things took a bad turn, according to the WPXI report: “Eventually a friend did pay for Clapperton, and police were about to let him leave when they overheard him calling in a bomb threat to Nakama, a restaurant a few blocks down the street.” Shockingly, alcohol was involved.
Speaking of alcohol, we’d like to recall how, in earlier columns, we brought you the the latest technological breakthroughs taking place in our ever-changing beer-guzzling world. For instance, there was the deployment of the “chill strip,” at Rock Bottom, which is essentially a ribbon of ice running the length of the bar, upon which you can just rest your beer to keep it cold. Proof that even the greatest engineering feats can have a simple elegance about them.
Then there was the “Corksicle” beer chiller. Let’s say you forgot to put a few brewskis in the fridge for the next day, due perhaps to forgetfulness – hey, it can happen to anyone – or due to the fact that a certain person who may or may not be our brother-in-law consumed wa-a-a-y more beer than we thought, with the result that, even though it’s practically impossible to drink that many beers in one, you know, sitting, still, the next day – what do you know? – there just weren’t any left. Like, where did that case go? Maybe space aliens beamed it up or something when we weren’t looking? You tell me, smart guy.
Anyway, for those days when you want it cold but not diluted, it’s the corksicle, baby. You just take a sip of warm beer to make room, then whip the old corksicle out of the freezer and stick it in there. In a minute or so, you’ve got yourself a nice cold one.
So that probably closes the book on beer-drinking technology, right? Actually you couldn’t be more wrong. Because – don’t look now – there is a revolutionary new development in drinking technology on the horizon: “The Beer Tossing Cooler”.
You heard that right. A cooler that fires you a cooled one upon demand. I know what you’re thinking: “Hold on there, Idler. Does this invention incorporate cutting edge wi-fi and bluetooth technology?
You bet your sweet Samsung it does. In fact, early prototypes that relied on a purely mechanical release mechanism have been mothballed in favor of a system whereby you download an app for your phone, right? And then you can have a nice chilled brubaker lobbed your way just by accessing the touch screen.
The current range is 8 feet, but there’s no doubt that once calculations related to ballistics, telemetry, throw weight and other totally scientific terminology are taken into account, launch velocity can easily reach the 100 mph level. Then it’s just a question of getting your brother in law to stroll by at just the right moment . . .
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