It’s nearly impossible to keep up with the news lately. We don’t mean the really big honkin’ ugly stories. You probably hear more than enough about those. But there are other stories you should be up to date on that may have gotten lost in the mix. Here’s a quiz to see if you’re current on current events:
Q. A 24 year old Canadian “alternative model” recently suffered damage to her eye which may lead to blindness as a result of a “sclera tattoo” Is this what we think it is?
1) No, it can’t be;
2) Alternative to what?
3) Yep, she tried to get the white, or “sclera” of her eye tattooed;
4) No, seriously, she really did
Q. The mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico, Carmen Yuliz Cruz, (who, before you ask, is related to neither Tom Cruise nor Carmine the barber) was being interviewed standing in front of a stupendous load of food, beverages, medical supplies and other cargo, when she told newspeople “ . . . We are dying, and you (Trump) are killing us with inefficiency.” What is the basis of her complaint?
1) Sure there were lots of canned goods, but where were the can openers?
2) Paper napkins? Do they use paper napkins at Mar-a-Lago?;
3) Mayor twice passed over for the role of Maria in junior high production of “West Side Story”;
4) Aid workers MAGA hats clash with her more fashionable teal ensemble;
5) Attempt to distribute muffin “stumps” deemed offensive
Q. Republicans hollered about Obamacare for 8 years. Now that they can do something about it they’re acting like the Ravens offensive line. What are they afraid of?
1) Obama administration did a lot more “unmasking” than meets the eye;
2) Hideous rumors swirling of Mitch McConnell – Nancy Pelosi “sexting” incident;
3) Turned out lawmakers who liked their doctor got to keep their doctor, so what’s the big deal?;
4) McCain threatening to campaign for any representative who sides with Trump
Q. The death of Hugh Hefner brought back a range of memories. Which were most prominent?
1) Those articles about, uh, fashion and wine and stuff were, you know, extremely sophisticated n at;
2) Barber shop reading material prompting sudden, feverish interest in grooming;
3) Finding out later your mom knew where you were hiding it;
4) Wondering how your 16 year old self would look with pipe & smoking jacket.
Q. There has been a lot of talk about the Trump administration’s tax cut program. What are the various reactions to the proposal?
1) It is tax cuts for the rich; nothing for the poor!
2) It’s tax cuts for taxpayers. Poor people don’t pay taxes!
3) It doesn’t lower taxes on beer!
4) Maybe you’ll have more money left for beer when they’re done with your paycheck!
5) Don’t count on it!
6) You’re probably right!
Q. There was no anthem knee-taking in the Steelers-Ravens game but the teams did some jive before the anthem where they knelt to show, as the stadium announcer said, that the teams support “kindness, unity, equality & justice.” What was the fans’ reaction?
1) Support this!
2) There’s no “kindness” in football!
3) It’s comforting to know that the freakishly large roided-up young men in body armor who are about to engage in high speed collisions for our viewing pleasure, believe in kindness, unity, equality and . . . catch the ball, you idiot, he practically hit you in the eye with it!
4) “National Bohemian”? Ain’t yinz got no I.C. Light?!
Q. A Cambridge Massachusetts elementary school librarian turned down a gift of ten Dr. Seuss books from the First Lady listing as one of the grounds for the refusal that “Dr. Seuss’s illustrations are steeped in racist propaganda, caricatures, and harmful stereotypes.” How crazy is this person?
1) Bat poop;
2) A refusal of books, by an oddball librarian, means she should be put in a big sanitarium.
3) Eyeball-tattooing crazy
4) Anthony Weiner level crazy
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