How about that eclipse, huh? Was that something, or what?
We didn’t actually see it, but it wasn’t because of the stern warnings issued by the television news shows about how you could go blind. We’ve been warned about going blind before, and let’s just say it was somewhat exaggerated.
No, the problem was that all it seemed to do was get a little overcast. Maybe real overcast for a while, but nothing apocalyptic or anything. There were no woodland creatures running amok or addled birds flying into lamp posts. The neighbor’s dog slept through the whole thing. Not because he was tricked into thinking it was night time either. He sleeps through every type and class of meteorological event. He’s remained unconscious during blizzards, thunderstorms, the odd derecho. During the June hailstorm he stirred enough to relocate his ample carcass several steps closer to the center of the porch. We think he recognized the unique “ricochet” factor hail brings to the precipitation game when a stray bouncer caught him on the ear flap.
We don’t want to throw shade on the eclipse, but hereabouts, it was basically a dud.
There were some redeeming factors, though. The loathsome and repulsive news media, including the networks, were totally enchanted with the story. ABC even sent nightly news anchor David Muir and his hair out to the parking lot in the middle of the afternoon to stare into the sky. The other anchors waited until their news shows to gush about it. Only Shepard Smith on Fox news (cable) dumped on the eclipse. POTUS, FLOTUS and Baron took it all in from the Truman balcony, wearing eclipse glasses
Speaking of the prez and the press, this at least will give the latter a break from their regular schedule of rising up on their hind legs and howling “Russia Russia Russia” at peak volume, then switching to “nazi nazi nazi” followed by a message from their sponsors. Then to “Russian nazi” and “nazi Russian” before finishing with a spirited chorus of “racist racist racist.” As for Trump, he can’t very well call it fake news. There’s nothing fake about a moon 225,000 miles away stepping in front of a star 93,000,000 miles away. This we can tell you.
Also there’s the squadrons of whack-jobs who have been whaling on each other in the streets over what to do with statues. Maybe if they paused for a few hours and put down their bricks and bats (and brickbats) long enough to take in the clockwork interactions of the sun and moon as they navigated the late-summer sky, maybe then they’d see the error of their ways.
No? Well not only did we find it a welcome interruption to the never-ending mayhem of our political and cultural scene, we’re thinking we need more of it. But what could we arrange to happen that would be momentous enough to distract everyone from their moronic and/or wicked ways but at the same time not too dangerous. How about:
Zombie Apocalypse – Like “eclipse” it ends in “p-s-e” so it’s got that going for it. We asked some local morticians if it might be possible to re-animate just a few of the nicer corpses who weren’t too fleet of foot while alive, and whose relatives wouldn’t get too upset about them being shot by vigilantes and everything. They said they’d get back to us if any candidates showed up and for us meanwhile not to call them. So we’ll pigeonhole that one as a maybe.
Real Apocalypse – The good news is this would totally push all the nonsense out of the headlines. The bad news, according to the clergymen who would talk to us, is that once you get something like Armageddon underway there are no, like, mulligans. So if we’re going to try this, we want to get right with the Almighty and maybe max out the credit cards. Assuming those two concepts aren’t contradictory.
The “Miracle Pirates” Make an Epic Run for the Series – This would totally distract everyone from all their political hinky-doings, but would take quite a lot of miraculous intervention, especially with the Dodgers in town. What say we take another look at that Zombie Apocalypse?
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