President Trump is on vacation this week, so there are going to be a lot of news anchors and reporters, both network and cable, with time on their hands. We knew an old newspaper guy, kind of a Lou Grant type but not as chunky and without the ear hair, who referred to them as the “hairspray media.” Which is entirely appropriate when you think about it. The prez himself must apply a healthy dose of chemical enhancement to keep his ducktail affair looking like that of Edd “Kookie” Byrnes, of the prehistoric television show, “77 Sunset Strip.” While you youngsters are “googling” it or whatever you have to do, those of you who remember Kookie should take a load off your walkers for a moment and try to remember what an awesome coiffure that was, and how much President Trump’s resembles it. Hint: it’s the ginchiest.
This made us wonder how the President’s new chief of staff, former four-star Marine General John Kelly must feel working for a guy who sports the kind of ‘do he must have ordered summarily shaven off the head of many a Marine recruit. Wouldn’t it be great if he could convince the chief exec to go for a “high and tight” Marine buzz-cut? Would not the Trumpster totally scare the kimchi out of that roly-poly little North Korean twerp? We can dream.
Anyway, the hairspray media will probably kill some time spying on him on the golf course, and maybe checking the menu to see if he’s using any Russian dressing. We’re thinking if he orders a Reuben at the turn, you’ll see articles of impeachment by the 11th tee.
Meanwhile, the news out of Washington is about how the stock market is going nuts, which is all well and good if you own stock, but maybe it’s cool even if you don’t so long as your retirement account owns some. We personally are heavily invested in Megamillions, while diverting some ancillary holdings to Powerball and scratch-offs.
The other news is how many millions of jobs have been created. This is one recurring piece of news that we have always wondered about. No matter who’s in charge in Washington, they’re always braying about how they’ve “created” so many millions “new jobs.” Obama created hundreds of thousands per month as did Bush before him and now Trump, but can your deadbeat brother-in-law get just one of them? No-o-o-o-o.
Well it just so happens we’ve found a job we are ideally suited for: NASA has announced an opening for “Planetary Protection Officer,” something we are definitely not making up.
For one thing, whoever has been in charge so far has been doing a pretty poor job of it as anyone who has been watching “Ancient Aliens” can plainly see. The size and scope of the alien presence has so affected host Giorgio Tsoukalos that it has left his hair standing on end. And all messed up. His co-hosts are all crazed with fear and apprehension and, well, let’s just say they’re crazed.
As Planetary Protection Officer, our counterintuitive strategy will be to encourage the whole wacky “sanctuary” movement. This will cause the aliens who are already here to assemble in several designated places where they can be more easily managed. We feel we can count on the Attorney General for assistance in this effort since we’re pretty sure he’s one of them and he won’t want us to expose him.
Don’t look so surprised. Anybody who remembers the hit TV series “My Favorite Martian” will immediately see that the AG and the Martian were practically separated at birth. He’s not the only one either. Did you get a load of this “Steve Miller” character last week tearing the CNN guy a new one? Looked a little other-worldly, didn’t he? “Some people call me the space cowboy” was a Steve Miller lyric, wasn’t it? It’s all falling into place.
We’re pretty sure we can get most of them settled in California once it declares itself a “sanctuary state.” Out there with Governor Moonbeam, you know? It’s a can’t miss plan, am I right?
Did I mention that the job pays North of six figures? We haven’t checked, but there’s probably a fairly sweet retirement package built in. That’ll be one small step for the Idler . . .
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