You may think you’re on a mid-Summer vacation, but that only means it’s time for the mid-term exam. Please enter your answers in a blue book using a #2 pencil. If these are unavailable, a golf scorecard or a cocktail napkin will do. Eyes front. Sit up straight. No talking.
1) Federal Drug Enforcement agents discovered a million dollars worth of marijuana stored in the spare tire wells of Ford Fusions manufactured in Sonora, Mexico and shipped to a dealer in Kent, near Youngstown, Ohio. What’s going on?
A) It’s an option on their hip, new SUV line, the Ford Doobie;
B) It’s an accessory for drivers who are shaken up after hitting “pot” holes;
C) It’s Mexico’s way of saying they don’t care if we build that wall;
D) It’s a consolation prize for buyers who couldn’t afford a Lexus
2) The Trump administration has hired a defense attorney named Ty Cobb. What prompted this move?
A) The Special Prosecutor hired a guy named Cy Young;
B) The firm of Tinker, Evers & Chance turned them down;
C) He is undefeated in cases where no charges have been filed;
D) He was recommended by the Clintons for his work on “suicide squeeze” cases.
3) Kid Rock has announced he will be running for the Michigan Senate seat now held by Debbie Stabenow. What does it mean?
A) At 46 he needs to find a new line of work before he becomes “Senior Citizen Rock”;
B) He’s been wearing his backwards fedora too tight;
C) He figured if Casey can do it in his sleep, how hard can it be?
D) He had to act quickly to save the state from a looming Ted Nugent insurgency.
4) Activists have urged Pittsburgh City Council to have the city declared a “sanctuary” city. What will be the practical effect of this measure?
A) Woodland creatures, among others, will be allowed to roam free, but it won’t be just bears and it won’t be just in the woods;
B) All future council meeting will be conducted in Esperanto;
C) Fugitives fleeing federal law enforcement will be shielded from prosecution. Except Donald Trump Jr. They’ll definitely figure out something to turn him in for;
D) Come back, Judge O’Kicki. All is forgiven.
5) McKeesport will host one of the state’s first sites licensed to grow and process medical marijuana. What has been local reaction to the news?
A) Oh, wow, man.
B) We must strategize the role of infrastructure and related components of the local and regional economic, governmental and societal framework, so as to ensure they are sufficient to both ameliorate and empower organic expansion of collateral development
D) Can I get a job, like, sweeping up or something, man?
6) “Medusa” magazine, an online feminist publication, has issued an appeal to pet owners that they not “gender” their pets, arguing that “It’s important not to make assumptions about what gender your animal is based off of its sex.” What is the appropriate response to this proposal?
A) Shut up.
B) You want to get this gender-fluid beagle off my leg?
C) Brutus just had puppies!
D) You ain’t never caught a rabbit; you ain’t no friend of mine.
7) What’s the deal with Century III mall?
A) Century who?
B) Once the squeaky-voice kid stopped saying “minutes from the mall” at the end of the Century III Chevrolet jingle, it was all downhill;
C) Walking for hundreds of feet and carrying purchases all the way to the car requires too much effort for modern American shoppers
D) Bring back Ruby Tuesday’s and watch the anchor tenants line up
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