“If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder” – Pope John Paul I

By now we’ve heard the formal accounts of the meeting between President Trump and Pope Francis at the Vatican. The Idler, however, has come into possession of transcripts of a private meeting between the two leaders. We’re not saying it was Russian intelligence, we’re not saying it wasn’t, and we’re not saying we didn’t completely make it up. Suffice it to say that we will leave it to the reader to decide if it sounds like a plausible account:

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President Trump: Your Holiness, actually I’d like to call you “Your Fantasticness” because the welcome you gave Melania and me was absolutely fantastic, especially with those tremendous Swiss fellows with the pointy helmets and everything, absolutely fantastic. Listen, Holy Father, if I could have a couple of those fellows at my press conferences waving around the big hatchet things, that could make a big difference, this I can tell you. Seriously, if you could spare a couple, maybe we can make a deal . . .

Pope Francis: Thank you, Mister President, . . . I believe you’re referring to the Swiss Guard? They’re provided by the government of Switzerland, so I’m afraid you’ll need to consult with them. In any case, welcome, Mr. President . . .

President: I wonder if they carry those little red pocket knives? Those are tremendous knives; fantastic knives. Oh, and please, call me Donald or Don, either way, you know one of my wives used to call me “The Donald” . . .

Pope: Did you say “one of your wives”?

President: Hey, I know your religion doesn’t go for that sort of thing, Holy Father, and don’t get me wrong, I’ve only had one at a time. But look at it this way, you fellows don’t have any wives, so I’m just taking up the slack, right? Sort of a supply and demand thing, you see what I’m saying? So anyway, yeah, it was Marla who started all that “The Donald” stuff.

Pope: Supply and demand? An interesting observation, Mr. President, but here we do not apply economic principles to the Sacrament of Marriage . . .

President: Believe me, I hear you, Holy Father. I only wish I could’ve introduced you to Ivana’s lawyer. This is a guy who applied economic principles big league, this I can tell you, big league.

Pope: Well, Donald, I hope you have found contentment at last with your current lovely spouse.

President: She’s tremendous, Holy Father, tremendous, sometimes I think half the reason I won was because the people wanted a little extra hotness in the White House, you know what I’m saying?

Pope: Perhaps we might move on to your proposed construction project? Now, this wall you want to build . . .

President: Love to, Your Holiness, in fact, when I found out from one of the stiffs in the State Department that your name was Bergoglio, I figured you’d be into the whole construction scene . .

Pope: Surely you don’t wish to keep people apart from the opportunities they seek, from the possibility of a better life?

President: I wouldn’t dream of it, and believe me, I get your drift here. When it comes to “spreading the opportunities around”, I practically invented the concept. Listen are you by any chance related to Sal Bergoglio, Business manager for the Stationary Engineers union out of Brooklyn? I’m here to tell you, we’ll have plenty of opportunities for the whole family.

Pope: I have no family in the United States, Donald. I was born in Argentina.

President: You were? Oh, so, wait, they got Italians in South America?

Pope: That’s right.

President: Well, listen, I love the Italians, no matter what continent they’re on! And let me tell you, I love the Catholics too. It’s an unbelieveable belief system you got here.

Pope: I beg your pardon?

President: But let me ask you something, Your Holiness, just between the two of us. What would you do if you had a real troublemaker in your midst, you know, a real nutjob. How would you get rid of him?

Pope: Nutjob?

President: Yeah, you know, a guy who’s plotting against you, hiding in the drapes, messing with your plans?

Pope: The church tries to be tolerant of dissenting voices, Donald, but someone who persisted in dissent from established teachings could, in an extreme case, face excommunication.

President: Excommunication! That’s a fantastic idea. Let me run it past Sessions. Listen, Holy Father, you’ve been a tremendous, tremendous help. I want to have you down to Mar-a-Lago very, very soon, all right?

Pope: Now we need to talk about your wall . . .

President: Tell you the truth, Your Holiness, I got a better chance of becoming Pope than I have of getting that wall past Congress.

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