“After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.” – Stephen Colbert

Does there have to be a day for everything? If you’re reading this on Thursday then tomorrow is “Ride Your Bike To Work Day.” I think they mean bicycle rather than chopper, although if you happen to be a motorcycle enthusiast, especially the leather jacket with scary patches variety, why you just go ahead and ride your “hog” anywhere you want, sir, including, but not limited to, work.

Idler 227 A

Meanwhile, Thursday, May 18 is National Cheese Souffle Day. We’re not real sure what one of those is, but if it’s edible, French and involves cheese maybe you ought to ride a bicycle the following couple of days just to burn off the excess calories. It’s also supposed to be National Visit Your Relatives Day. Eh, we’ll take the souffle.

We only know this stuff because we have recently discovered something you can do on the computer called “googling.” What you do is you get the paper boy to turn your computer on (it has something to do with “boots” although we’re pretty sure he wasn’t wearing any) and tap into your neighbor’s “wi-fi” which is a type of computer service certain people have that is invisible to the naked eye, so we’d like to see them try and prove we’re “stealing” it. Good luck with that, smart guy, and as long as you’re out there running your mouth, those hedges aren’t going to trim themselves!

Where were we? Oh yeah, give the kid a couple bucks for one of those “fidget spinner” thingies because God knows he’s bound to be killing time down at juvenile hall sooner or later. Either there or at the CIA. But now that you’re on the google, you just type in whatever you’re interested in and it will show you all manner of information sources. You click on whichever one looks promising and, voila!, you’re googling.

The thing is, when we googled for what day Thursday, May 18th is, we got both those answers – cheese souffle and visit your relatives. Can they both be right? Because another one said it was National “No Dirty Dishes” Day. (We declare “No Dirty Dishes” day every time we’re liable to encounter them. It’s also known as “Paper Plate” Day.)

We’re starting to think that just because something’s on the internet, it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. Could they just be making it up as they go along? And if they can make stuff up, why can’t we?

For instance, one internet site we googled says that May 22nd is National Buy A Musical Instrument Day. But let’s say, just hypothetically, that your barber made some crack about how he should charge you more because your head is so big. Why not make May 22nd, National Jack Your Barber Day? When he grabs your nose to trim your mustache, grab his nose. Tell him you want a comb for your birthday because you know you’ll never be able to part with it.

We noticed that there’s a National Beer Day, on April 7th. This is only natural since April 7th, 1933 was the day the ban on beer imposed by prohibition was lifted. There’s also a National Drink Beer Day, September 28th. This isn’t nearly enough. Ernest Hemingway wrote a book called, A Moveable Feast, referring to a religious observance that could be sort of inserted into the calendar at will. We’re thinking we should plug in a Beer Day at least monthly, maybe weekly.

How about National Leave Your Turn Signal Blinking For Five Miles Day, in honor of all the senior citizens who manage to get ahead of us on the Parkway. Anybody for National Leave Your Quarter In The Shopping Cart Day at Aldi’s? How about National Blame Everything On The Russians Day? Oh, wait, that’s been on for six months now.

Don’t forget, next week is National Buy A Columnist A Drink Week, corresponding with National Bourbon Appreciation Month. We googled it and everything.

Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com  Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook

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