President Trump recently announced, in the context of a discussion of his first hundred days in office, that he thought the job of president would be easier. Naturally his political enemies pounced on this statement as support for their estimation of him as a “naive and feckless” character. Journalists at the New York Times and Washington Post dislike the president, probably because he keeps calling them names, including “fake news,” which really grinds their gears. We don’t think they were too keen on him even before that. (For our readers in Lincoln Place, “naive” is a French word which no real American wants anything to do with and we’re pretty sure “feckless” means “without a feck” and we’d best leave it at that.)
Still, it is a pretty strange thing for a president to say. We want our presidents to at least pretend to be working hard, even when it dawns on us that they play way more golf than any person with a real job has time for. This makes three straight presidents in a row who were avid golfers, although George W. Bush gave up the game during the war in Iraq. A lot of people think a president should have better things to do than stand and watch while some hacker takes three mulligans and then bounces one off the greenkeeper’s tractor. But enough about former Vice President Joe Biden.
You have to acknowledge that the game would play a little faster when you’re president. We figure he’d just have the secret service rough up the starter and fire a couple of warning shots at anybody ahead of him who is, like, taking a lot of practice swings or tossing grass in the air to determine what effect the wind will have on the quarter acre divot he’s about to take. Heck, a president could probably just snap his fingers and have Marine Chopper-1 swoop down and blow everybody off the green he’s approaching. Feel like letting us play through now, Schumer?
The original golfing president of yesteryear was Dwight D. Eisenhower. He is also probably the only president who could plausibly say that the presidency was an easier job than the one he just left: Supreme Commander, Allied Forces in Europe. Budgeting for the interstate highway system is tough, but defeating the Wehrmacht is a tad more onerous. Also, if you’re firmly against golfing presidents, take this into consideration: the last president who didn’t golf was Jimmy Carter.
The other thing that’s got people double clutching is the stream of executive orders President Trump is issuing. The administration maintains that most of them were just reversals of executive orders issued by his predecessor, President Obama. This didn’t mollify his critics.
The first we ever heard of this executive order business was from one of the most annoying figures in modern American politics, the extraordinarily obnoxious Paul Begala, a Clinton administration insider, who famously and impertinently said about an early order, “Stroke of the pen. Law of the land. Kinda cool.” You may have noticed that, in a departure from Clinton administration policy, President Trump does not delegate the job of being obnoxious to staffers.
Anyway, we’ve been giving this executive order business some thought, and we would like to propose an Act of Congress, or, if necessary, a constitutional amendment, to grant ordinary citizens the power to issue executive orders. Of course it would be impossible for all 330,000,000 of us to have an order, but why not have a lottery where the winner, maybe one a month, could do a “stroke of the pen, law of the land”? That way you won’t have orders like “Clean out the garage” immediately followed by “No, YOU clean out the garage.”
Here in no particular order is our list of Idler executive orders (feel free to submit your own).
1) Free beer for all fans wearing penguins jerseys, at participating Washington D.C. taverns.
2) Full funding for a Manhattan Project style effort to develop grass that stops growing after attaining a height of 2” to 3”
3) Death penalty added to any call against a player or players for misconduct resulting in injury to Sidney Crosby.
4) Federal Funding for DRONUT, an aerial donut delivery service under consideration by major Silicon Valley nerds.
5) 10,000% excise tax on all Ravens related apparel.
6) Steelers granted veto power over all NFL draft picks in rounds 1 through 10.
7) Clean out the garage..
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