Has there has been a lot of news lately, or what? So much news, in fact, that we would not be a bit surprised if you are having a terrible time keeping up with it all. You got your North Korean crisis, your Chinese premier visit, your Afghan bombing, your Chick-fil-A assault on Duquesne University, our Buccos cleaning the Cubbies’ clocks, our Pens pounding the ‘jackets. It’s enough to make your head spin.
We need to pause and take stock. In order to see if you personally are keeping up with the times, the Idler has devised a current events quiz that will test your knowledge and understanding of the crucial issues of the day. You’ll need a blue book and a #2 pencil. Sit up straight. No talking.
1) Scientists recently announced the possibility of life elsewhere in the solar system. What is the location of this possible life?
- On Enceladus, one of the 57 moons of Saturn;
- On Phobos, one of the two moons of Mars
- On the third ring of Uranus
- On the bottom of the basement shower curtain
2) Direct military action was recently taken against ISIS terrorist forces dug into a cave structure in a remote mountainous region of Afghanistan. What type of military action was taken?
- Specially trained United Airlines flight crews were deployed to drag the terrorists kicking and screaming from the caves;
- Elements of the 356th Televised Lawyer battalion were deployed to lure the terrorists out of their cave structures with promises of money damages for tainted tabouli and a pledge of no fee unless they get rupees for you;
- A contingent of Munhall councilmen were dispatched to the Tora Bora region with instructions to choke, punch and otherwise rough up any terrorists as if they were fellow councilmen;
- An 11 ton bomb on was dropped on them
3) Mainstream media sources, led by the New York Times, have recently directed criticism at the Trump White House over its handling of the annual Easter Egg Roll. What specific charges did they make?
- An independent egg roller must be appointed because of suspected Russian involvement in egg production. Also a suspiciously large number of the eggs rolled were dyed red;
- The Democratic candidate for Easter Bunny was not even given a hearing by the Mitch McConnell led Senate;
- Russia, Russia, Russia, er, tax returns, tax returns, tax returns!
- At least one of the eggs was disguised as an 11 ton bomb
4) During a state dinner with Chinese President Xi Jinping at President Trump’s Palm Beach estate, Mar-a-Lago, the president informed his Chinese counterpart of military action undertaken by US forces. How did he go about breaking the news?
- “President Jinping, these asparagus spears are not only the most fantastic you’ve ever seen but they remind me of the 59 cruise missiles I just fired into Syria”
- “I don’t want to brag, Xi old boy, but do you know how many Tomahawk cruise missiles we have ready to launch? About 59 fewer than we had 5 minutes ago!”
- “Now Mr. President, when you look at all this food you probably think we should be worried about gaining weight. Not at all. I found a way to drop 11 tons in one day!”
5) In a recent post-mortem, Democratic candidate for president, Hillary Clinton, has identified a number of factors which operated to produce her stunning loss to Donald Trump in last Fall’s election. Among them are:
- The campaign relied on strategic advice from Columbus Bluejackets head coach John Tortorella;
- Campaign theme, “I’m not as nuts as my opponent” probably didn’t sell well in certain key constituencies;
- 9-11 commemoration – Should have turned down the extra sausage bagel at Hampton Inn complimentary breakfast;
6) Duquesne University activists announced that they are experiencing “fear” at the prospect of a Chick-fil-A franchise arriving on campus. What are they afraid of?
- They’ll forget the pickle on the #1 sandwich platter;
- They’ll start acting all “Christian” and everything, which might be disruptive on a campus run by an order of Catholic priests;
- Polite, hard working young people working Chick-fil-A counter paint unrealistic image of college-age Americans
- Exclusive serving of breast portions a glaring example of white meat privilege.
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