There seem to be a lot of large critters in the news lately. This is okay with us because even though some of them are of the wild as opposed to domesticated variety, they’re still a lot less annoying than the humans in the news even when they happen to be eating each other. Here are some examples:
April is the Coolest Mom – The big story lately is about April the upstate New York giraffe who is about to give birth. In fact, she has been about to give birth for quite a while now, but when you consider that giraffe mothers are pregnant for 15 months, it’s probably best to take the long view. April’s mate. Oliver, is apparently by her side acting like a good dad-to-be. If you do the math, those two lovebirds must have had a wild New Year’s Eve get together. Probably started with a little necking. We can’t imagine that drugs or alcohol were involved, but on the other hand they were both probably pretty high.
Odd-toed Ungulates – That’s what zoologists call Rhinos, although probably not to their faces. You’d think the whole Rhinoceros package would be enough of a psychological burden without some geek in a lab coat counting your toes. Anyway, unsuccessfully trying to horn in on the national news is our own Azizi, a West African Black Rhinoceros who gave birth to a female calf at the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium. The announcement was made on Friday, St. Patrick’s Day so you’d think Patricia would be a good name, but the blessed event actually took place two days earlier. Maybe Julia then, although the Ides of March weren’t so great for Julius (Caesar). By the way, in the event of a contest to name the new arrival, we want to caution you fellows that any missteps you might make in this area will totally be held against you both in this life and the next, where you’ll be arriving sooner than expected.
Giraffe Privilege – But the more important point is, how come April, the New York giraffe, gets all the attention? Azizi carried a much heftier cargo over a 15 – 16 month gestation period, and although they’re not “born with the horn”, baby definitely had a little beginner schnozz starting up there. Wonder what kind of forceps the Rhino obstetrician was brandishing? Lowe’s doesn’t have that kind of hardware. (Note to self: possible name for a rock band: “The Rhino Obstetricians”) Too bad we can’t get Azizi on “The View” to discuss that delivery. It’s too late to interview Andre the Giant’s mom, but even she probably couldn’t top that story. Also, rhinos tip the scales at up to 3,100 lb. and can run over 30 mph, so you wouldn’t want to be between her and the dill pickles when she had a craving.
Hi-Ho Silver N At – The latest news out of city hall is that the Pittsburgh Police are planning to resume mounted patrols. We feel this is long overdue because we’ve been getting a few speeding tickets lately, and we’re thinking no self-respecting horse would want to be seen chasing our crate down the highway.
As cool as the boys in blue will look astride their sturdy mounts, we feel this idea should be extended to our political leaders. The queen used to ride at UK state functions, right? It was side-saddle, but still. Let’s see the Donald saddled up for the next press conference. Naturally his horse would be named “Bigly” and would be trained to give hostile fake news purveyors a good hard hoof in the chops.
But then this would likely inspire Nork strongman Kim Jong Un to hop aboard a commie steed of his own. Wouldn’t that be a sight? Which gives us a brilliant idea, if we do say so ourselves, designed to foster peace in the Far East. As a cultural exchange between our two countries, our leaders should exchange hairstyles. President Trump should submit to the Kim Jong Un coiffure, which can only be described as a modified “Moe”, kind of high and tight. Meanwhile the chubby tyrant will have to sport the Donald’s flowing blond pompadour. This will either cause the North Korean forces to throw down their nukes in dismay or totally go to DEFCON 5. Hey, life is a gamble.
Well, guess it’s time to feed the dog. If anyone has extra tickets to the Rhino Obstetricians concert, let us know.
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