Wasn’t that just darling how Mother Nature swung by to invite all your flowers to bloom so she could drop a few inches of snow on them – or was it a few feet? At this writing it’s all literally still up in the air, and blundering its way up the Ohio valley. Remember that parka you had dry cleaned and put away? Eeeyeah, better get that back out. And whoa, hey, hope you’re not out of sidewalk salt. What about milk and toilet paper? All stocked up?
There’s nothing like the threat of a March blizzard to remind us that the late Winter and early Spring are not often pleasant. In fact, in a great many ways, at least in its early stages, Spring sucks. There, we said it.
You could, if you were as crazy as us, liken it to childbirth. By the time the visitors get a good look, the bundle of joy is all cleaned up and swaddled and cooing softly. But the moments leading up to its arrival are full of groans, howls and bloodthirsty screams. And that’s just in the fathers’ waiting room. A month or two from now we’ll be turning over the garden and spreading some turf builder, and we will have forgotten all about the misery that is early March. And as long as we’ll be forgetting them anyway, here are some additional repulsive aspects of the tween season:
Daylight Stupid Saving time – That hour of sleep you misplaced last weekend? You’ll be looking for that for a while longer, and by the time you find it six months from now, you won’t even need it. It’s time we called this insane time meddling what it is: a form of tyranny imposed on us by nameless, faceless bureaucratic monsters intent on disturbing our sleep cycles. Tell you what we need – a popular uprising against them, and every popular uprising has to have a catchy slogan. Castro’s guerillas used to shout, “Venceremos!” Lech Walesa’s crowds waved banners that said, “Solidarnosc!” Maybe we could chant, “Time’s Up!” to show our determination. No? How about “Keep your parameters off our chronometers!” Not that catchy, eh? Okay, let us know if you come up with anything. Meanwhile:
Repulsive Full Moons – Autumn has the Harvest Moon and the Hunter’s Moon. There’s a Strawberry Moon in June and a Wolf Moon in January. You know what they call the full moon we just had? Take your pick between the Worm Moon and the Sap Moon. We’re guessing “Loser Moon” was taken.
There Are Swim Suits in the Display Windows – But you’re still as fat as you were in February. And January. And December.
It’s Not Baseball Season – That Grapefruit League stuff doesn’t count either. And sure, March Madness is pretty entertaining, but this year WVU is the only local team to make the cut. So unless you have a couch you won’t mind torching . . .
Your So-Called Friends Are Posting Facebook Pictures from Florida – Also, they must be photoshopped because they looked a lot fatter in February. Hurricane season can’t come soon enough.
Katy Perry is Fighting With Nuns – Wait, that’s actually a good thing, at least for its entertainment value. The nuns don’t want her to buy their old convent on the grounds that she is “a bold article” who once flirted with witchcraft. When the singer told the nuns she had a tattoo of a religious nature on her wrist, one of them responded, “yes, and what is the tattoo on your behind?” It doesn’t get any better than that, does it?
You Have To Put Your Toddler In A Full Nelson To Get His Winter Coat On. After a couple weeks of sunshine you’re not getting them back in the snowsuit without a struggle. And once they’ve broken in the sneakers you can forget about boots. Try bread wrappers and gumbands.
Ha-ha, we got a red line under “gumbands.” Spell check doesn’t speak Pittsburghese. Can we blame that on March? Why not.
Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook