Looks like Veronica has run off with Reggie. Ilsa dumped Bogie again, Scarlett picked that drip Ashley over Rhett, and Etta Place stood up both Butch and Sundance and ran off with Joe Lefors (who are those guys?) Sometimes the jerk gets the pretty girl and there’s nothing much you can do about it but retreat, regroup, and work on your game. Sure the Patriot fans are unbearable, but it won’t be long before an ice storm will cool their, um, ardor, and a ferocious nor’easter will roar in, wipe the grins off their smug faces and leave them wondering wheah they pahked theah cahs. Time and tide and nature n at have a way of evening the score.
Meanwhile, just because the Steelers got shot down at the Super Bowl prom, you shouldn’t neglect your personal love interest. No, we’re not talking about your new bowling ball, we’re talking about the plucky little lady who’s been firing up the subs and whipping up the dip you’ve been stuffing yourself with every Sunday since last August. The Super Bowl of football is over, but the Super Bowl of Romance is right around the corner.
Sure you could go with the old vanilla playbook – flowers, a card, one of those heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. Yeah, you can go with that if you want to be a total loser. Those are the tried and true plays that the Falcons used in the 4th quarter to back 20 yards out of field goal range. That’s the kind of thinking that had the Democrats taking Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania for granted. Twenty-first century women don’t want the same old same old. Out with the old busted; in with the new hotness. But how?
As usual, the Idler is there for you with an innovative game plan that will have you moving the ball downfield like Ryan in the second quarter and Brady in overtime.
Get her a Chipotle gift card – See above. This is the perfect way to say thanks for all the halftime treats she came up with over the course of a long, difficult season. Remember not to let her spend any of it on you unless she absolutely insists.
Take Steps to Reduce Beer Can Clutter by Purchasing a Kegerator – Are you sometime put off upon waking to a morning after mess? Well she is too, which is probably why she decided to visit her mother for a few days. With a keg, or even a growler, all you’ll have to pick up afterwards are a few solo cups and the odd brother-in-law. She’ll love you for it!
Get Her A New Bowling Ball – You’re crazy about yours, aren’t you? What’s that? She doesn’t bowl? Well no wonder, she never had a beautiful new bowling ball before.
Get Her One of Those Enormous Teddy Bears – Even the most delicate gal needs to knock the stuffing out of something from time to time, and better it than you, amirite?
A Tom Brady Game Jersey – Cut up into rags it’s perfect those messy clean-up jobs, like when Sparky has an accident or the kids get a stomach virus.
Round Trip Tickets to Bradenton – So you and she can check out the Pirates in Spring training, er, I mean, the beautiful beaches and boutiques of South Florida. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
An Amazon Alexa – So she’ll have someone to talk to during Pens’ games.
Okay, then, you’re all set for St. Valentine’s Day. Now it’s off to the lanes to see how this little beauty tracks. You think they’ll mind if I bring my own kegerator?
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