Another year on the horizon! And it can’t possibly be as bad as the last one, can it? That’s probably what people were saying in January 1939, but, hey, let’s try to remain positive. While predictions are always tricky, especially about the future, that never stopped us before. In fact, although we’re not in the habit of saying “I told you so” for a variety of reasons, we’d like to quote from our column of exactly a year ago, when we predicted as follows:
“President-elect Trump will guarantee the electorate a ‘fabulous, fabulous administration, that I can tell you’”
Tell the truth, you laughed at the Idler then, didn’t you? And not with a “Ha-ha, quite amusing old chap” type of laugh, but with a “Ha-ha, get a load of this maniac!” type of laugh. Which just goes to show that he who laughs first laughs better than he who laughs second, but not quite as well as he who laughs at both of them. Or something. Herewith, then, our predictions for 2017
The Inaugural Address – Newly sworn-in President Donald Trump’s speech will emphasize both the tremendousness of his vision for the country and the fantasticness his administration will bring to both domestic and foreign affairs. Democrat observers will immediately pounce on this language, alleging that it is racist, sexist and bigoted against the non-fantastic community and shows nothing but contempt for that segment of the homeless and the working poor who are unlikely ever to be tremendous. The president, his voice rising, will conclude with the stirring phrase, “Ask not what the Democrats can do for you because they are low energy losers!”
Making Canada Great Again – Canadian college football (there is such a thing) officials, impressed by the revenue generated during the NCAA bowl season, will announce changes in their schedule. Their annual championship game, called the “Vanier Cup” and usually held in the third week of November, will be moved to New Year’s Day, include a parade, and be renamed the “Tournament of Hosers”
Technology n at – Apple will follow it’s controversial scrapping of the headphone jack in the iPhone 7 and introduction of $160 “airpods”, with plans for a screenless iPhone 8 which will require the purchase of a $300 “airhead” screen mask. Samsung will counter with Galaxy S8 Explode-a-phone which will feature programmable pyrotechnic displays designed to get the user out of boring business meetings or blind dates gone wrong. Suspicion will fall on Russian Intelligence following the introduction of Amazon’s “Alexei” audio and sound recording equipment at deep discount prices.
Entertainment – While touring with an off-Broadway production of “Mary Poppins”, Mariah Carey will suffer a career ending double lip sprain before a stunned audience during a moving rendition of “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”. Actor Matthew McConaughey will be arrested for possession of marijuana while driving a Cadillac to a Trump rally. When asked to explain, he will exclaim, “Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right!” Snoop Dogg will be cast as a confused cosmologist in the promising new CBS spinoff, “Big Bong Theory”
Sports – The Steelers will chill the Miami offense in what will come to be know as the Frozen Fish Bowl, then go on to defeat the Oakland Raiders in the AFC title game on a Pick-6 resulting from a broken-up pass play which will come to be known as the “Immaculate Deflection”. In an unprecedented move, Pope Francis will threaten to excommunicate the entire franchise if any more Catholic Holy Days are co-opted to describe memorably dramatic scoring plays. Finally, in a Super Bowl in which the the Dallas Cowboys dominate in every facet of the game, the Steelers will eke out a one point victory on a desperation 60 yard pass which all 11 Cowboy defenders leap for but narrowly miss. Efforts to dub this play, “the Passover” will be immediately squelched by the Steeler front office. Joined by a group of aging celebrities, Martin Sheen will demand that the league award the Lombardi trophy to the Cowboys on the grounds that they had more yards rushing and passing, fewer turnovers and penalties and better looking uniforms.
Local – All the readers of the Valley Mirror will have a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!
Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook