“A Christmas tree – the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.” – Jay Leno

It’s kind of nerve racking waiting for the call from Trump Tower. But if the rumors are true we might be getting the nod for the newly created position of Secretary of Leisure. When you think about it, it’s only fair that if there’s going to be a Department of Labor, there should be one for leisure too. Why should laboring get all the attention when goofing off is equally vital to our body politic, whatever that is. We were thinking that we ought to have a leisure suit to wear to the interview just to show that we were up to the challenge. However Mrs. Idler now tells me that the lime green one I had was damaged beyond repair several years ago in a freak dry cleaning accident. So if anyone has one to spare in a 44L, we’d be much obliged.

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Meanwhile, we don’t have to tell you the holidays are breathing down our necks. On television we’re already seeing people who have a lot more money than us getting new cars for Christmas, and people who are way better looking than us slapping on $80 an ounce perfume to go to swanky soirees we’ll never be invited to.

When it comes to gift ideas seen on the tube, the Idler is strictly a Bell & Howell TacLight type of guy. Yeah, we know, flashlights are essentially containers for dead battery storage, but when we watch that commercial we’re intrigued with the way they freeze it in a block of ice, boil it in a spaghetti pot and then run it over with a truck, before showing you how it still works.  The only thing that would make that commercial better would be if the Steel Valley football team picked up the TacLight, ran it 60 yards and spiked it in the endzone. Then they could replace the dead batteries and turn it on.

Another ad we saw for a gift you could get for the Idler in your life is the CSL, which stands for Creosote Sweeping Log. Because what’s more in keeping with the Christmas spirit than the threat of a chimney fire? Unfortunately the ad leaves a lot to be desired what with the cheesy graphics showing creosote being miraculously removed from your chimney. It’s not as bad as those Anacin commercials from the 60’s showing hammers banging away inside a cartoon skull, but you’re getting pretty much the same level of graphics sophistication. What they need is a Steel Valley quarterback to throw the log into the chimney and then a receiver to catch it, run 60 yards and then spike the log in the endzone. We would immediately order a dozen of them.

And a sure-fire gift idea comes to us from New Zealand where the people are called “Kiwis” and they talk with a weird accent that sounds sort of British at first until you realize that it’s not all lah-di-dah like on Downtown Abbey. There, in New Zealand, that is, the local Kentucky Fried Chicken officials this season are offering a KFC scented candle for the holidays. We know what you’re thinking, regular or extra-crispy? While we’re trying to figure out if there would be any difference, let’s also urge our people to join in this competition.

Yuengling should work up a beer-scented candle that would provide that fresh kiss-of-the-hops aroma that is so refreshing especially around the holidays. Available in Traditional Lager or new Light Lager.

A Cheetos scented candle might sell except that upon smelling it people would immediately run out and buy some Cheetos, and then why burn the candle when you can smell the Cheetos while you’re eating them? This offer could be coupled with a special deal on the “Simply Fit Board” which lets you do the twist on a piece of plastic. It is advertised as “so durable that it holds up to 400 pounds!” so you can let yourself go on the snacks. You know what, we could go for some Cheetos right about now.

Hey wait a minute, how about a commemorative candle from the Steel Valley football team. They could call it “Mercy!” and make it available in Regular Season and new Hershey scent. What would it smell like? It would smell like victory, that’s what it would smell like.

Uh-oh, there’s the phone. I hope this vetting process isn’t too intrusive. We’re in between dogs right now so I don’t know what they could even ask. Anyway, we promise that, as Secretary of Leisure we’ll remember all the little people who made it all possible.

Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com  Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook

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