“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.’” – Rita Rudner

This is that special season of the merchandising year when we, the viewing public, are subjected to some of the most obnoxious commercials ever conceived. In years past we endured brutal repetitions of Chia pet commercials, not to mention the one for that cork pulling thing – the Rabbit? – that pulled like a million corks in every commercial.

And how obnoxious is the “Black Friday” series of GMC commercials where the weary shopper with the black eye is approached by his smug neighbor who asks, “What happened?” The shopper displays his packages and says, “Got up at 4 AM, but I saved hundreds!” The neighbor smirks, points over his shoulder at a $60,000 behemoth of a pickup and says, “I slept in, but I saved thousands!” He forgets to add that it came with an eight volume payment book

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Remember when Chanel No. 5 was all over the tube at Christmas? Then celebrities started to mix up their own perfume and pretty soon we had Elizabeth Taylor’s “White Diamonds” and “Passion”. There was one called “Poison” for a while there, but they must have figured it wasn’t a good idea to associate it with a deceased celebrity.

As gift ideas go, perfume is a pretty easy way out. You don’t have to worry about size or color or mysterious stuff like fabric or thread counts or what type of batteries it takes. We don’t personally go for the fancy French type of elixir ever since we found the words, “Eau de Toilette” on a bottle of it and looked it up in a French dictionary. “Eau” means water, and you can pretty much sound out the rest of it. Since we don’t want to insult any of the ladies in our life by giving them “Water of Toilet” we got to wondering what sort of fumes some of our stateside celebrities might have cooked up. Turns our there are a lot of them.

Just in the Jennifer range you got Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Lopez both of whom had the imagination to name their perfumes after themselves. In the false advertising section you have “Lovely” by Sarah Jessica Parker. Continuing with the Jessica’s there’s Jessica Simpson’s “Fancy Love.” There’s one that appears to be for men called “Usher.” No word on what kind of potion you should slather on if you’re the groom or the best man. Celine Dion jumped in with “Celine Dion” – I know, right? – Paris Hilton with “Can-can”, Britney Spears with “Fantasy” and Beyonce with “Pulse.” In the rhyming category you got Katy Perry, Mariah Carey and Halle Berry with their own varieties of aromatic nectars. While this seems like a lot to choose from, we feel there’s room for more. How about:

D’oh! By Homer Simpson. When we first saw that Jessica Simpson had a perfume we thought she was a cartoon character. True story. Anyway, shouldn’t there be a scent that encapsulates the feeling of total frustration we all experience from time to time?

Blitzed by Ryan Shazier. A rugged, manly fragrance mixing the heady scents of mangled turf with the rubbery taste of football cleats.

Recount! by Hillary Clinton. Pretty much the feminine version of D’oh! (above)

Bigly by Donald Trump. For the megalomaniac in all of us, mixing strong currents of fantastic-ness with notes of tremendous-ness.

Slapshot by Sidney Crosby. The unmistakeable aroma of vulcanized rubber arrives with an icy splash in a molar loosening after shave.

Baked by LeVeon Bell. An intoxicating scent sure to attract the attention of the ladies, the league, and the Ross Township Police Force.

Finally Dead by Fidel Castro. The rich aroma of a fine Cuban maduro blended with somber notes of embalming fluid make this a fragrance to be used sparingly

Still Dead by Jerry Garcia. While showing more than a touch of grey, there’s enough sugar magnolia in this scent to let you keep on truckin’

Still Prez by Barack Obama. This product available for a limited time only.

Go Away, the Game’s On by the Idler. When properly applied, this scent should do to the nostrils what a stooge-like doink would do to the eyeballs. Use sparingly and with caution in the vicinity of irritated spouses.

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