Well it’s all over now except the lawsuits. That’s if it was close. If it wasn’t close then there will be parties for the winners and post mortems for the loser, and by now we’ll know which ones of the former had open bars. Something tells us that it wasn’t close, but we don’t know which way it went for sure because as we write this, the voting hasn’t taken place. Well, some of it, but not here in Pennsylvania where there’s no early voting.
But, okay, assuming it’s really over and unlike 2000 there won’t be a bunch of boring lawsuits, the question becomes, what do we do now? The inside baseball people will be talking about the makeup of the new administration and how smoothly the transition will take place, but for us nobodies here in flyover country it will be pretty bleak.
After all, we’ve been following this reality TV series for 20 months now. It’s like when you binge-watch “House of Cards” and you get to the end and find out the next season won’t start until 2017 and you start wondering how long you can go before finding out whether Robin Wright will kill Kevin Spacey before he gets a chance to kill her. By contrast, who will be appointed Undersecretary of Transportation for interstate bridge maintenance isn’t going to melt your butter even if Kate Upton’s in the running. Will there be no more Trump rallies, with their raucous crowds and Democrat provocateurs? Will there be no more Wikileaks exposés featuring everything from media – political collusion to campaign manager occult rituals? No more Hillary fainting spells or Trump hot-mic episodes?
What to do? Like a good politician we’re not going to answer that question; we’re going to answer a different one: What not to do?
Don’t Watch News Shows – At least for a while and especially the Sunday morning talking head shows. If your candidate lost, you’ll just get mad. You didn’t watch Sports Center for a couple days after that slapstick Ravens game, did you? Same deal here. If your candidate won, you’ll get a bad case of buyer’s remorse when you see all the loathsome characters who voted with you. Because now all of a sudden you have something in common with Bruce Willis and/or Anthony Weiner. Maybe even Madonna, although she’ll likely be too busy to appear on television.
Don’t Ask Anyone Who They Voted For – One of the reason it’s a secret ballot is so you have plausible deniability later on. When the candidate you voted for declares war on Tierra del Fuego or slips the queen a whoopie cushion you want to be able to go, “Whew! At least I didn’t vote for that bozo!” Also, there are certain relatives who may get combat flashbacks while carving the roast if they hear the wrong name mentioned. Did you ever see that movie, The Manchurian Candidate? Why take a chance, right?
Don’t Do the Hokey-Pokey – Not that it has anything to do with the election. It’s just a stupid thing to do unless you’re at a wedding or something.
Don’t Forget to Scrape Off Your Bumper Stickers – See secret ballot discussion, above, and also they’re going to be looking pretty ragged soon. There’s also the possibility you’ll be pulled over for a traffic offense. A cop who feels your candidate is not terribly chummy toward law enforcement might decide you need to duckwalk backwards a hundred yards or do several handstand pushups in order to demonstrate your sobriety.
Don’t Gloat – It’s only a matter of time before your candidate turns into the idiot of the century. The great thing about separation of powers is that the other guys might be able to stop him or her before World War III gets underway. At least that’s the way it’s supposed to work.
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