Remember how in the motion picture, “Men In Black”, Agent K, played by Tommy Lee Jones, would scour the tabloid press for clues about the latest alien hijinks? Well we’re thinking something like that is happening right now with the publication in the New York Post of a story headlined, “Scientists Say Weird Signals From Space Are ‘Probably’ Aliens”. The New York Post is a legend in publishing circles for its groundbreaking 1983 headline, “Headless Body Found In Topless Bar”, and has produced political exposes like “Deleter Of The Free World” about Hillary’s e-mail erasures and, “Menage A Trump” about Donald’s romantic escapades. Lately it has specialized in hilariously borderline Anthony Weiner headlines, which we probably shouldn’t quote here but which you can easily find online and which, if you can stand to think about it long enough kind of write themselves.
But even though it appeared in a tabloid, the story seems to have some scientific validity to it. The two scientists who wrote the paper, Ermanno F. Borra and Eric Trottier from Laval University in Quebec, looked at results of observations conducted on 2.5 million stars and narrowed their search down to 234 stars from which the say we are receiving odd beams of light. After subjecting these observations to strict scientific procedure, they concluded:
“We find that the detected signals have exactly the shape of an [extraterrestrial intelligence] signal predicted in (a) previous publication . . .” .
All the data was acquired by the Sloan Digital Sky Survey using an enormous telescope in New Mexico, so it’s not like they just went out one clear night, knocked back a few Labatts (we are talking Canadian scientists here, eh?) and said to each other, “Would you look at the twinkle on that one!” “You mean the one over there in the Big Dipper?” “No, hoser, over there near Orion’s Belt” “Oh, yeah, that’s some twinklin’ there, for sure”
So there’s something alien going on in a section of the sky featuring a little over 200 stars, but not in any of the other sections containing 2,499,766 other stars. That actually narrows it down quite a bit when you think about it. The sad part is, we don’t seem to have any idea what they’re trying to tell us.
Scientists, of course, are strictly against idle speculation. Here at Idler Central, idle speculation is what we’re all about. Let’s examine several possibilities:
Interstellar Beer Delivery – Alien civilizations have discovered the great technological leap forward we have made by pioneering the first robot controlled beer truck, which successfully delivered 45,000 Buds from Fort Collins Colorado to Colorado Springs, a distance of 125 miles. Maybe they are now attempting to place an order. On the other hand, the Bud Lite advertising campaign featuring Amy Shumer and Seth Rogen has reportedly resulted in a precipitous decline in sales, so it’s equally possible that they are cancelling an order.
Everybody’s a Critic – It’s likely that an advanced alien society has been monitoring our television and radio emissions for many decades, and even possible that they have overcome the barrier that the speed of light imposes and are now able to receive them in real time. Could it be that they are trying to tell us that “The Honeymooners”, “Cheers” and “Seinfeld” were all quite amusing, but that this latest comedy featuring an angry pants-suited female earthling shouting at an equally angry, orange haired male earthling who makes incongruous hand gestures, should be cancelled immediately.
Miss Universe – You have to figure they’re going to be a little cheesed about that. Bad enough that the orange-haired earthling is running the show, but your average extraterrestrials are probably sitting, or maybe hovering, in their alien game room shouting, “You see that, Zorg? They call that a swimsuit competition? Ha-ha! Those garments would disintegrate in a second in our hydrochloric acid rain!” “That’s right, Kroltan, even Miss Uranus had sexier antennae than that!”
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