It takes a worried man to sing a worried song I’m worried now but I won’t be worried long – Woody Guthrie

We’ve been thinking hard about this whole presidential campaign, and after careful consideration, we decided to pull our head out of the oven, put down the straight razor and tear up the suicide note. Then we canceled our Uber ride to the bridge and decided we need to find a way of getting through this thing without checking into the laughing academy.


We couldn’t help but think there must be a way to make the campaign bearable, especially the third and final debate – about a week away – when suddenly it came to us: “Cop Rock.” That’s right, “Cop Rock.” It was one of those wacky moments in television history, so wacky, in fact, that if you tuned in unawares, you might entertain the suspicion that someone had spiked your IC light with horse tranquilizers. It was the brainchild of Steven Bochko, creator of the “Hill Street Blues” franchise, and its one year (1990) run landed it at number 8 on TV Guide’s 2002 List of the 50 Worst TV Shows of All Time. The magazine dubbed it “the single most bizarre TV musical of all time.” The show was a normal ensemble cast cop show with one crucial exception. The actors would, from time to time, burst into song and dance, often in unison. Which leads us to one key question:

Why not make it the format for the final debate?

It would be a natural for Trump, who certainly needs a moment of contrition for his hair-raising vocabulary, not to mention a chance to let the electorate get acquainted with his style and, um, syntax:

Sympathy for the Donald
(to the tune of Sympathy for the Devil)

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of huge wealth and tremendous fame
I’ve been around bigly for many years
And I’ve gotten fresh with many a dame

Hillary, meanwhile, might take the opportunity to acknowledge her own oratorical and/or vocal shortcomings:

You’ve Got Me Under Your Skin
(to the tune of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”)

You’ve got me under your skin
My voice has burrowed into your head
Especially when I say, “Why aren’t I 50 points ahead?”
You’ve got me under your skin

But somewhere toward the end of the evening, having acknowledged their own deficiencies, and bored everyone out of their skulls with convoluted policy statements, the candidates will join in a finale, a production number duet with full orchestral accompaniment. First Hillary and then Donald will attempt to convince the electorate that the other is the more despicable:

You’re the One That They Hate
(to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want”)

My momentum is slowin’,
and I’m losin’ my lead,
‘Cause the mud that you’re throwin’
It’s overflowin’

You better give up, ’cause I’ve got a tape,
Of you talkin’ like a cad,
You oughta give up, and there’s no escape,
‘Cause I’ll put it in an ad,
And it’s bad, you are such a vulgar lad

You’re the one that they hate (you are the one they hate), ooh ooh ooh,
The one that they hate (you are the one they hate), ooh ooh ooh,
The one that they hate (you are the one they hate), ooh ooh ooh
The one that lied (the one that lied), you’re unqualified (unqualified)

You are filled with hostility,
‘N you’re thinking you’ve won,
Don’t underrate my ability,
I’m not done

You better watch out, because Wikileaks
Will be dumping your email,
You better watch out, ‘cause I’ll do my best
To see you bundled off to jail
They’re on your trail, You better hope you can make bail

You’re the one that they hate (etc.)

Comments –  Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s