One of the problems with doing a column like this is that you want to be topical but you don’t know what will happen between the time you write it and the time the paper comes out. I know it’s hard to believe in this modern world of instantaneous communication, but as the Idler sits here pecking at his keyboard, the Wikileaks guy has not yet released what may turn out to be closed circuit video of Hillary Clinton cackling maniacally as she strangles ducklings with one hand while drowning puppies with the other. Nor do we know whether Donald Trump is going to say something outrageously dumb and offensive in the next few days. Okay, maybe we do have a pretty good bead on that last one. The sad fact is that if it happens on a Tuesday or Wednesday, it’s like totally off our screen. There’s only one solution to this dilemma. We have to make up the news. (And don’t act as if it’s never been done before, you Dan Rather and Brian Williams fans.) Or, if it sounds any better, let’s say we’re going to try to predict what might happen if only to test our powers of prognostication. Also, whether we can tell the future.
The Vice-Presidential Debate – The candidates will greet each other cordially but over the course of the opening series of questions, tension will mount. Then, during a discussion of fiscal policy, Kaine, a former Virginia governor, will reply to a point made by Pence, a former Indiana governor, by saying, “That’s something only a Hoosier would believe.” Pense will retort, “Oh yeah? Well you should change your motto to ‘Virginia is for Losers’”. Kaine will then shout, “That’s it, it’s go time!” whereupon the two men will collide at mid-stage raining down heavy blows upon each other until such time as moderator Elaine Quijano produces a pistol from behind her lectern and fires several warning shots in the air. In post-debate analysis, Pence, despite receiving a standing eight-count will be declared the winner on points. A visibly shaken Anderson Cooper will resign as moderator of the upcoming second presidential debate.
Wikileaks I – There’s hardly anything anyone might say about the Donald at this late date that would be all that sensational, so interest has naturally centered around potentially explosive revelations about the former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State. Julian Assange, mastermind of the Wikileaks empire, does not disappoint. In a shocking move, he releases candid, unretouched footage clearly showing Hillary being invited to address a radical feminist forum, but then donning a frilly apron and replying “No, I’d rather stay home and bake cookies.” Stunned and disconsolate, Hillary supporters will abandon the campaign en masse with a host of Ivy League professors being placed on suicide watch.
Wikileaks II – Reeling from accusations that she has disrespected Trump supporters as “deplorables”, and Sanders’ supporters as “living in their parents’ basements”, the Clinton campaign will be confronted with audio of the candidate describing Libertarian supporters of Gary Johnson as “whack-job stoners” and the Johnson – Weld ticket as “Bill and Ted’s Electoral Adventure.” Campaign officials will attempt to deflect the charges by suggesting it is the product of a Trump-backed cloning experiment.
Wikileaks III – Tapes apparently derived from an illegal wiretap will seem to depict an unsuspecting Donald Trump describing his business career as “pretty fair”, his accomplishments “not too shabby” and his construction projects as “modest” and “restrained”. Reached for comment, the candidate will attack the disclosures as “tremendously untrue” “unbelievably incredible” and “incredibly unbelievable” and their manner of procurement “hugely and fantastically illegal.”
Of course it’s entirely possible that none of the foregoing will take place. When you think of the snooze-fest some of these events are likely to be, though, we think the idler version will be a little more entertaining.
Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook