It’s been a regular whirlwind of news lately. With important developments breaking nearly every moment, we know you’re counting on the Idler to bring you all the latest. Herewith, some of the most pressing stories of the day:
Creepy Clowns – Amazingly this has nothing to do with this year’s political campaigns but instead involves real clowns. People magazine recently reported, “Police in the Carolinas have received more than a dozen reports in the last month from people claiming clowns, some with white-painted faces, were acting strangely in the area.” Similar reports have come in from other areas in the South, including Georgia and Florida. For in-depth analysis we turned to our buddy, Radar, who was in South Carolina “on business” and phoned in his report from Oscar’s Bar in Myrtle Beach last Monday evening. He reported that he saw two clowns wearing Ravens jerseys but they left after DeAngelo Williams’ second touchdown. There seemed to be a lot of shouting in the background so they must have been pretty scary looking. Radar further reported that extra beer was necessary to calm everybody down. Also, the pulled pork was awesome.
Hillary Clinton Body Double – The latest conspiracy theory going around is that the person who appeared claiming to be presidential candidate Hillary Clinton several hours after her collapse at the 9/11 memorial ceremony in New York was not her at all but a “body double”, that is, a woman who resembled her closely enough to fool the public but not the conspiracy theorists. As preposterous as all this sounds, we have to admit that it would be a fairly easy thing to pull off with Hillary, who resembles about 60% of the real estate sales ladies we’ve ever met. Candidate Trump poses a greater challenge. Producing an exact or nearly exact likeness of the Donald would, we feel, fall beyond the capabilities of modern science. This seems like a job for science fiction.
Sewage System For Sale – Before you jump to conclusions, this also has nothing to do with modern political activity. No, the alert reporters at Tube City Almanac tell us that the City of McKeesport and its Sewerage Authority (motto: “Your Sewage is our Bread & Butter”) have authorized the sale of the Authority and it’s three wastewater treatment plants. If you’ve always dreamed of owning your own sewage operation – and who hasn’t? – this is your chance. The opening bid, from some fly-by-night outfit known as Pennsylvania American Water Company, is in the $156 million range, but a lot of that is in the form of debt. So it’s like buying a car on a “take over payments” basis. Come to think of it, a few of the cars we’ve owned have had a certain sewage quality about them, especially that used ‘78 Pacer. That thing started circling the bowl the first time we stuck in the key. Anyway, you investment minded readers might want to give it some thought. Personally we’ve always felt that the Sewerage Authority’s facility at the Mon-Yough “point” was a wasted opportunity. The site is flush with tourism potential. We could see a sewage museum on the site, complete with restaurant and gift shop. Okay, scratch the restaurant. But the history of sewage treatment should be made known, and no one should tell us to pipe down about it. People deserve to get the straight, um, information.
NFL Players Acting Up – We’re not talking about the oppressed multi-millionaire footballers who want to call attention to their suffering and exploitation in our oppressive society by refusing to stand for the anthem. We were stupid at that age too; we just never had the opportunity and funding to be really stupid. Instead we’re talking about the “twerking” penalty incurred by star wide receiver Antonio Brown. We’ll leave the question of whether his dance moves are obscene to others to decide. We’re more concerned with its effect on Antonio’s health, financial and otherwise. For one thing, it’s hard to imagine a twerking Brown continuing to be a spokesman for Uncle Charlie’s sausage. Those sausage endorsement deals can be pretty sweet, Antonio. Spicy too, we guess. Also, a chiropractor friend of ours maintains that prolonged and unsupervised twerking may eventually lead to lower back problems. Go back to the flamenco, man. We’d hate to see such a promising career cut short by a freak twerking injury.
Anyway, until next week, that’s news to us!
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