“I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me. I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave.” – Alex Reed

We’ve got a lot to cover this week so let’s get started with our report on The Bachelorette, 2016 edition. So there’s this girl, Jojo, who got totally dumped by The Bachelor a couple months ago, but this actually worked out pretty well for her because now she reappears  as the Bachelorette. On the Bachelor show, she was one of a few dozen girls competing for the attention of this big lunkhead with the brains of a basset hound and the personality of pound cake. Apparently he pledged his undying love to her then dumped her for some floozy with an equally hot bod but also a voice you could stand to listen to for more than a sentence and a half. Jojo, sweetheart, lose the vocal fry. You know that horrible gurgling sound you make at the end of every phrase? It doesn’t make you sound worldly or sophisticated. It makes you sound like a weak ham radio transmission from Newfoundland. You know who had a nice voice? Julie Andrews. Get a DVD of the Sound of Music and pay close attention. Mary Tyler Moore had good pipes too. There’s a voice you’d listen to if she was reading the phone book. If you could’ve pulled off an “Oh, Rob!” that first bachelor would have been a dead duck.

bat-cave 01

Now about the squadron of losers you have milling around bumping into each other out on the patio. This is the worst lineup since the 2010 Pirates (who finished 34 games behind). The guy in the kilt was, uh, confused, so good thinking sending him off to Loch Ness, but the one on the motorcycle is a psycho and the ones who are trying to be the “bad boy” are all metrosexual posers. Also, James Taylor is there but not the one who was hooked on heroin. Of course, it’s early yet and, frankly, who could blame him? Come to think of it, your talent pool consists entirely of guys who are willing to make fools of themselves on national television. Wait, that’s your talent pool too.

Moving on, so now the Donald is in for the Republicans, but there’s still some confusion among the Democrats. Hillary has enough to win but Bernie won’t go away. Meanwhile, people who don’t like either of them are proposing various third party candidacies. David French, who seems like a pretty accomplished guy, could have joined a long line of U.S. presidents who sported bald heads, full beards and horn-rimmed glasses. He backed out – guess he couldn’t cut the mustard. Gary Johnson, former governor of New Mexico, is the Libertarian party nominee for president. Johnson has had an interesting career in the private sector, most notably as the CEO of Cannabis Sativa, Inc., a marijuana company. He showed he was not ready for big time politics, however, by admitting not only that he has recently used marijuana, but did so for recreational purposes. Gary, Gary, Gary. If you want to be commander in chief, you need to learn to lie like a boss. Or better yet, like a Clinton. From now on you didn’t inhale, alright? And you were only interested in relieving the pain from that time you were under sniper fire in Albuquerque. Plus, lose the running mate. William Weld, another former governor? Boring. You want to go off the grid. Try something unprecedented. Maybe a columnist from a small weekly paper. A fun loving guy you might even enjoy sharing a brownie with now and then. Think about it.

Finally, as you’ve noticed from all the wacky weather we’ve been having, it’s tropical storm season. Tropical storms and hurricanes used to always be girls, but now apparently guy storms who identify as girls are being let in. Recently, they announced that Tropical Storm Colin had formed in the gulf and was heading for Florida. They need to jazz up that name list. How embarrassing would it be to lose your house to Hurricane Walter? Watch out, Tropical Storm Gaston is heading for the coast! Wait, it seems to have paused in the Atlantic, waiting for Tropical Storm Alphonse to go first!  We propose that future tropical storms / hurricanes be named for Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants. “You hear that horrible high-pitched metallic sound? That’s tropical storm Jojo passing through.”

Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com  Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook

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