“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison

The summer vacation days are upon us, and who should you turn to for tips on optimizing your recreational experience? The Idler, of course. First of all, let’s clear up a misunderstanding that may have arisen from the last time we touched on this subject. When we recommended “sedating” your children for long car trips, we didn’t mean anything in the way of prescription medications or, good grief, psychotropic drugs, some of which we’ve probably never even heard of much less toked on. Just some good old fashioned tryptophan producing turkey and wine. No, wait, not the wine, just the turkey. Yes sir, a nice turkey sandwich, that’s the ticket, and hope for the best.

Anyway, when vacationing you should, of course, take the normal precautions. It might not be enough, though, because this is an unusual year, one which presents some unique problems, such as:

Bee beard 01

The Zika virus – 150 leading scientists, doctors and medical ethicists, all wearing white lab coats, have issued a letter saying, essentially, that you’d have to be nuts to go to Brazil for the Summer Olympics. The UN’s World Health Organization has rejected this letter however. We personally think they should have a big meeting at the UN and allow both sides to present their cases. The only problem would be deciding in what order they will take the lectern. Since the World Health Organization is a branch of the UN, it wouldn’t surprise us a bit if WHO’s on first. While they’re yapping about it, we would suggest you scratch the whole South American continent from your summer travel list.

Vampire Fish – This charming species has been discovered in rivers and streams in the UK, and it acts much like a lamprey eel by attaching itself to your leg – or other appendage (!) – and having a nice snack on your tab. So if you’ve decided on a summer tour of the land of the tea swillers, leave your swimming trunks behind.

Bee Swarms – This also happened in the land of the crumpet crunchers, but could probably take place anywhere. A woman inadvertently trapped a queen bee in the trunk (or the “boot”) of her car and sped off, followed by 20,000 of the queen’s loyal subjects, bees, that is, who were so loyal, they stayed with her Mitsubishi for two days. You probably didn’t think you’d have to worry about a drone strike in the UK, did you?

The Big Apple Goes Rotten – Our first visit to Manhattan was during the Ed Koch administration. The place was a Travis Bickle style dystopia of Times Square peep shows and subways where you dare not make eye contact with the other riders. All that changed under the Rudy Giuliani administration and continued thereafter, but the pendulum is swinging back. Under bills expected to be signed into law by crypto-commie Mayor Bill DeBlasio, peeing in the street, loitering, littering, drinking alcohol out of a bagged bottle and other quality of life crimes are to be decriminalized in New York City. Where’s Charles Bronson when you need him? Meanwhile, you’ve been warned.

Fisticuffs at McDonald’s – You could just head out on a roadie and stop for a fast food fix along the way, but even this has become problematic. Diners at a Mickey-D’s in South Carolina filmed two employees duking it out in the kitchen over who would or would not make some apple pies. Give me a Big Mac and a standing 8 count.

Paris, Brussels, etc. – Bomb voyage! Maybe you could do wine country or something. The terrorists seem to prefer the big cities.

The Mid-East – Yeah, right.

Unless you’re the extremely adventurous type, it looks like you’re sticking around this year. You want to stay active, however, as scientists have discovered yet another medical condition which poses a serious threat to the idling class:

Dormant-Butt Syndrome – You read that right. Researchers at Ohio State University, after sitting around for days and weeks trying to figure out something to research, are warning of a new ailment they call “Dormant Butt Syndrome.” It comes from sitting around too much, resulting in weakening of the gluteus maximus muscles. This is what happens when people who have no sense of propriety, much less style, are allowed to name medical conditions. They could have called it “Impaired Derriere” syndrome, or maybe “Dead End” or “Sad Tail” syndrome, but no-o-o-o.

Have a nice vaca!

Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com  Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook

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