We know what you’re wondering: This “Bono” fellow, is he the one who was married to Cher and then skied into a tree? The answer is no, he is a member of an Irish rock band, U2, who gets involved in every humanitarian cause under the sun. His latest idea, peace through comedy, drew a lot of ridicule, especially since he went on to name several comedians, Amy Schumer, Chris Rock, and Sacha Baron Cohen, whose material was thought to be too “edgy” for a terrorist audience. We agree. This is a job more suited to a 2nd or 3rd tier comedian, and he should use tried and true material; jokes that have stood the test of time. We here at idler headquarters have assembled some classic gags to be used in such a venture. We think it might go something like this. Add your own rimshots:
Thank you, thank you, I just flew in from Damascus and boy are my arms tired! But seriously, folks, it’s wonderful to be here in Raqqa, known as the city with one of Syria’s most impressive skylines. Of course, that was before the last three drone strikes!
Let me tell you, that flight was a doozy. What a crazy pilot! How crazy was he? – thank you for asking, sir – he was so crazy that he announced over the PA, “We are now entering ISIS airspace. Turn back your watches one thousand four hundred years.” Talk about getting fired! That was the first time I ever saw somebody get fired using actual fire!
And you have some interesting hotels here. I wasn’t expecting five-star accommodations but I gotta tell you, I never heard of “hostage” class before! I just can’t seem to remember to close that darned tent-flap! Also, I found out what you tip a maid that carries a rocket launcher: Anything she wants!
Anything she wants, am I going too fast for you? I know you’re out there, I can hear you ticking!
And how about the food? I don’t know exactly what goes into “baba ganoush,” but I got enough gas to drive to Mecca! And I’m guessing the Iranians must be in town because I don’t think tabouli is supposed to glow in the dark!
How about this one: An ISIS recruiter walks into a bar. Bartender says “What’ll it be?” Guy says, “I’m looking for someone to do a suicide mission.” Bartender says “Can I get you a kamikaze” Ha-ha! Kamikaze, get it? No? So, is this an English speaking audience? Just curious. How about you, sir? Yes, you with the “Death To America” T shirt. No, the other one. No, the one with the maniacal leer. Okay, let’s start over. You – waving the AK 47 around. Is that a detonator in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
But I’ll tell you, I love this crowd! Yesterday on a whim I yelled out, ‘Hey Moe!” and everybody turned around!
I’ll tell you what, though, I get no respect. When I was a kid my high school guidance counselor took one look at my SAT scores and suggested a career in suicide bombing. No respect at all, you kiddin’? Even my folks told me, “the hours are great and you’ll get a chance to travel.”
But I guess you guys have problems of your own on the domestic front. I mean, take a couple of my wives. Please! Tell you the truth, fellows, after 3 or 4 wives, I could see how the suicide bombing suddenly wouldn’t seem so crazy. And I don’t know how you do it with the burqas and the chadors and all that. It’s like every woman you meet is letting you into a speakeasy!
But if those are the rules here in, . . . um . . . by the way, what’s the deal with all the different names? ISIS, ISIL, Daesh? Which is it? Like, when you send the care packages to Gitmo, what’s the return address? Could you maybe take a minute in between the bombings and the executions to just make up your minds and . . . hold on a second, my manager is giving me the “finger across the neck” sign which means we’re out of time. At least I hope that’s what it means. Which reminds me, tonight’s show was brought to you by Mustafa’s Custom Cutlery. Remember, “If you’re having trouble beheading, you should be heading to Mustafa’s!”
Hey! Who are you guys? What’s with the blindfold? . . .
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