There comes a time in everyone’s life when he or she must grow up, get serious, and face reality like an adult. Luckily this time has not yet come for the Idler. Instead, after a great deal of thought and several stimulating beverages we have decided to announce our candidacy for the office of Vice President of the United States. Please hold your applause until the end.
We do not arrive at this decision lightly. Rather, we noticed that it paid $230,700 a year and no one else was running for it. Weird, huh? Also, we have been watching the presidential candidates competing for votes in various campaign appearances and debates and, after recoiling in horror like everyone else, we noticed some very peculiar things: 1) The lady who scolds everyone, especially the white people, likes to wear a cool Captain Kirk style gold tunic, and, 2) in each party the least likely candidate seems to be doing better than the regular politician type candidate.
Look at Donald Trump. He doesn’t have fundraisers like a normal candidate where they charge you the price of a borough manager’s expense account just to have dinner with him. He finances his own campaign. Also, he says all kinds of outrageous things that have the media doing backflips. Then when they demand that he take it back he tells them to go pound a keyboard. A lot of these things he probably should take back, but people seem to be impressed with the fact that he refuses. Anyway he’s doing a lot better than the Senator who has fundraisers and says all the right things.
Then there’s Bernie Sanders. Traditionally one of the things that could absolutely positively torpedo a political campaign was to be credibly accused of having socialist sympathies. Yet Bernie is right up front about his socialism and never hesitates to fan the flames of class envy and advocate for collectivist financial policies. He hasn’t closed the deal by any means, but he’s giving the establishment candidate an unexpected run for her money.
As inspirational as these candidates are, what really motivated us was watching that one Seinfeld episode where George decides that since everything he did was a failure, he should do the opposite. Therefore, our campaign will advocate for the exact opposite of whatever normal candidates propose. Here’s our platform so far:
Education: Hey, if you want to go six figures underwater for a degree in feminist interpretive dance, that’s your business. But if you aspire to move out of your mom’s basement some day, here’s what you do. Hire on with a plumber, a mechanic, a builder or electrician and learn how to do something useful. They can’t ship everyone’s toilet to Mexico to fix and they can’t call a technician in India to rewire someone’s gameroom. Meanwhile, take a few accounting courses at ACC so you’ll know how to open your own shop someday.
Health Care: Marry someone with benefits. Not the “friends with benefits” kind, the health insurance kind. Okay, the first kind too. Later on you’ll find that marriage can reduce or eliminate risky behaviors like excessive alcohol consumption, staying out late, playing cards, smoking cigars and sleeping til noon. It will also diminish much of the excitement in life that can shock the system and lead to problems later.
Immigration: Do you pick up hitch-hikers? Probably not unless they’re really good looking and even then it’s a gamble. Being a hitch-hiker means you can’t afford a car or busfare. Think of illegal immigrants as hitch-hikers and ask yourself: Don’t we have enough people like that here already? Plus, it’s Congress’s job to pass the laws; we in the executive (and I use that term loosely) branch are just supposed to enforce them. So as Vice President we propose strict enforcement of the law except in the case of the most attractive or talented illegals which we could select through a reality show competition called “Not-Yet-American idol.”.
As you can see there are a few rough spots in our platform, but it’s coming along. We’d also like to further emulate the Donald by funding our own campaign, something we plan to discuss at our $3 a plate chipped ham barbecue and macaroni salad dinner. BYOB and free admission to anyone dressed like Captain Kirk.
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