Alfred Hitchcock could have said the same thing about that Oscars show. We don’t know about you but it was easily an hour past our bedtime before it wound up. The last thing we remember was science expert Leonard DiCaprio blathering on about global warming. Then he jumped in an SUV motorcade to the airport and took off in his private jet. Gee, wonder why the show’s ratings were down this year?
Part of the problem was the movies themselves; a lot of them didn’t sound too exciting. Sure “Mad Max” won a bunch of awards, and rightly so, but you didn’t see it in the running for best picture or the other more prestigious ones. And what happened to “Star Wars”? These fancy pants academy members seem to be prejudiced against the movies with the best “production values”, i.e., the ones where stuff gets blown up, and instead try to sell us the dreary “relationship” flicks. Sure, “The Revenant” looked pretty exciting, but what about the other candidates? An immigrant girl who falls in love with two guys; two women who fall in love with each other; reporters who work at a Boston newspaper. Of course we’re extremely shallow, but seriously, weren’t Mad Max and bear maulings were pretty much the highlights of the evening?
As usual, we’d like to help the movie industry out by suggesting some potential film projects guaranteed to do absolutely boffo business at the box office while relating to the tastes and preferences of us common folk. If you remember Johnny Carson’s “Art Fern and the Tea-time Movie”, you’ll grasp the import of these sure-fire Oscar winners:
It’s A Fantastic, Fantastic Life, This I Can Tell You – Donald Trump, Donald Sutherland, Donald O’Connor, Aaron Donald – An ambitious tycoon is taken aside by an angel and shown the likely consequences of his actions, after which he goes into a tirade about what huge losers people in the future are.
The Big Shorts – Chris Christie, Jeff Christie, Lou Christie, Christie Brinkley – Hilarity ensues when a plus-sized governor, after leaving the campaign trail for a well-deserved vacation, has difficulty finding suitable beach attire.
Pope Friction – Francis Bacon, Pope Francis, Francis Ford Coppola, Connie Francis – A presidential candidate is threatened with excommunication when he refers to the Holy Father as a “low-energy over-rated lightweight.”
Tacky Driver – Robert De Niro, Robert Shapiro, George Romero – A disgruntled Uber driver grows increasingly disturbed as he stalks a rival cab all the way to Hazelwood, only to discover it’s driven by a robot
Been Her – Marilu Henner, Bruce Jenner, Sugar Ray Leonard – A transgender athlete faces daunting odds when she decides to return to being a “he” again.
On the Waterfront – Marlon Brando, Sal Bando, Martin Landau – A young tough’s boxing career is cut short when his roadwork leads to a violent collision with two bicyclists and a baby carriage on the Three Rivers Heritage Trail.
The Deported – Jack Nicholson, Nicol Williamson, William Henry Harrison – A vicious New England mobster on the run from the law attempts to flee the jurisdiction by posing as an illegal alien.
Forrest Trump – Tom Hanks, Ernie Banks, Billy Blanks – a simple-minded billionaire sits at a bus stop and explains to passers-by that the field of candidates is like a box of chocolates in which only one is incredibly fantastic and all the rest are losers, liars and lightweights.
Unforgiven – Clint Eastwood, Bob Packwood, Christopher Isherwood – An ex-president is relegated to appearances at rural American Legion halls after his past romantic entanglements come back to haunt his wife’s campaign.
Dances With Wolf Blitzer – Bruce Willis, Mel Tillis, Kelly McGillis – A deranged weather reporter at a 5,000 watt Wyoming radio station, sneaks into the White House Correspondents’ Dinner to fulfill her lifelong dream of doing the lambada with a national news anchor.
My Fare, Lady – Audrey Hepburn, James Coburn, Sam Rayburn – A highly competitive Uber driver finds himself romantically involved with a coquettish Lyft driver he cuts off at the airport.
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