As a father of girls, the only thing the Idler ever had against Barbie was her shoes. The high heeled ones, anyway, which we would invariably step on as we stumbled to the bathroom at 3 AM and which would have us doing one of those “Steppes” dances like the Russians in “Patton.” That may all be changing now that the Mattel company has given way to pressure from feminist groups and other people with lots of time on their hands and introduced a realistic Barbie. The original Barbie was way too tall and extremely skinny. The new Barbie is supposed to look less freakishly emaciated and more like a real woman. So now that now that Barbie has beefed up a little, maybe she’ll give her little plastic dogs a break and start wearing flats. Why should modern, realistic Barbie wear pointy little high heels all the time? In fact, this being the 21st century and everything, why can’t we tailor Barbie to modern times and customs and create specialized lines for different areas? We can start with something of local appeal like:
Mon Valley Barbie – A contemporary gal with Western Pennsylvania pizzazz, Mon Valley Barbie comes with a complete line of accessories including a Pirate Tee, Steeler hoodie and a butterfly tat. More sophisticated models will incorporate voice technology and deliver killer lines like “Yinz are ignernt!” and “Git outta tahn!” Interchangeable hair styles include punk, Jaromir Jagr lookalike mullet and the Amy Winehouse beehive. Optional halupki roaster and lawn chair parking space holder sold separately.
Since there’s got to be a Ken for every Barbie, why not a more realistic Ken?
Mon Valley Ken – Available in optional XL, XXL and Casey Hampton sizes, Mon Valley Ken comes with a full wardrobe of plumber’s crack jeans, wifebeater tops and reversible ball caps. All models come in choice of mullet and near-mullet hairstyles and are programmed to utter familiar catchphrases including “Bengals #%*!”, “Ravens #%*!”, “Browns #%*!”, and “You gonna finish that?” Advanced models come with ankle monitors and prison tats bearing hilarious messages such as “Bengals #%*!”, “Ravens #%*!”, “Browns #%*!”, and “Born To Loose”. Optional DUI summons and child support payment book sold separately.
Even Barbie has to make a living, so we might as well see her in action:
Cashier Barbie – Realistic gum-popping sounds are emitted from the ring-pierced lips while she asks for a price check on every item in the cart of the person in front of you. Fast food model programmed to deliver hilarious blank stare when you include pennies with your payment in order to receive only bills in change.
Could Ken one day achieve a position of authority in municipal politics?
Borough Councilman Ken – Same as Mon Valley Ken but with a wardrobe that includes lime green leisure suit with gravy stain. Borough Councilman Ken features automatic receding hairline and special inflatable paunch. Also, this version of Ken will be inadvertently “anatomically correct.”
Hold on a minute, this “realism” thing can be taken too far, resulting in:
Morbidly Obese Barbie – A Barbie with a little “junk in the trunk,” as the kids say, is one thing, but what if realistic Barbie goes nuts on the fast food and sweets? Meet Morbidly Obese Barbie, or rather, get out of her way if you’re strolling through the section of Walmart where she’s rumbling down the aisle in her shopping scooter, especially if you value your Achilles tendons. Available in Kirstie Alley, Melissa McCarthy and new, “Transitioning John Goodman” models. Barbie-sized pizza boxes sold separately.
Klaus Barbie – No, wait, that’s a whole different thing.
Idler Ken – This guy, er, doll would be a paragon of savoir-faire, and physically a veritable Greek god capable of voicing tiny bon mots left and right while sweeping Mon Valley Barbie off her feet and depositing her in her tiny dream kitchen where she will whip up meatball hoagies and Buffalo wings just in time for the Super Bowl which, by the way, will result in a score that will pay off big time for Idler Ken as he hits several major pools. Then he will take Mon Valley Barbie on a whirlwind shopping trip where she will get the halupki roaster of her dreams . . . hang on a minute, a tiny plastic phone is ringing . . . she’s saying she already has one. And that Idler Ken should git outta tahn.
Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook