That was some hard hitting, smash-mouth action last Sunday. There was grunting, groaning, muttering, cursing, high-pitched screaming, and the tension was high right up to the end. We’re talking, of course, about the Democratic debate which was on right after the football game. We thought that referee, Lester Something, the one with the billboard sized forehead, was going to have to throw a few flags for unnecessary curtness and delay of game. They were all entertaining, though, if you like watching the Mertzes quarrel while poor Ricky looks on. In the end we kind of liked the old guy because he made some interesting promises, and since we’re a sucker for that sort of thing, we thought we’d try and give him and his campaign operatives some tips to keep them “on message.” (Incidentally, as we’re telling you all this, we’re going to ask that you imagine us rhythmically waving and chopping our hands in the air like we were angrily conducting a kazoo band.)
Free Tuition – That’s right, no one should have to pay for college. Hey, where the heck was he when we were working in the dining hall trying to pay down our tuition bill? We personally had the job of loader, i.e., we arranged the dirty dishes onto a sort of conveyor belt that went through a machine that washed them with superheated water and detergent. At least we didn’t have to stoop to being a slopper, which involved knocking the uneaten food off of the plates to prepare them for loading. It was all pretty disgusting work, but we don’t think it did us much harm except to detract from time which we would rather have devoted to more constructive pursuits like exploring local social and/or beverage opportunities. So, yeah, we are all in favor of this free tuition deal.
Free Health Care – Same deal with free health care. Why should only billionaires get unlimited health care? If the super-rich can afford to have a personal physician on staff, why can’t each American? Furthermore, we personally feel that each and every barbershop, beauty parlor and tavern across this great land of ours should have a psychiatrist on site, so that when any American begins a sentence with the phrase, “maybe I’m crazy, but”, or is challenged with the question, “what are you, some kind of nut?” or appears in public wearing a Bengals T shirt, we will have access to the mental health expertise necessary to properly address such oddities and, if necessary, the tranquilizer darts to drop them in their tracks.
Free Prescription And Non-Prescription Drugs – So, while free tuition and free healthcare and free prescription medicine are all wonderful things to promise, we bet we know what you’re going to ask. What about all the non-prescription medicines and home remedies? We’re thinking here of our grandfather’s “special” medicine that he kept on a shelf behind the water heater which he said grandpas needed to help them with their “lumbago” and which we shouldn’t tell grandma about. Would it kill those billionaires to cough up a few extra bucks for grandpa’s special “Old Overholt” medicine? We’ll also need a beer chaser, as long as you’re up.
Free Cable TV – Or satellite, whatever. You’re probably thinking, “now you’ve gone too far, Idler!” But wait, why should the common man be stuck watching only corporate network stooges when the Wall Street fatcats are tuning into “Ancient Aliens” whenever they please?
Free Recliners – What? It’s a typical bourgeois conceit to think only the millionaires and the billionaires should be able to put their feet up while taking in a decadent capitalist sporting event. Idlers of the world, unite! We have nothing to lose but our ottomans.
We hope the old fellow gets his wish about socking it to the billionaires, because we’re really starting to like this socialism deal. There are only two problems we can foresee. First, we might run out of billionaires. After all, if you take 90% of their stuff for a few years running, pretty soon they won’t be worth much more than an ordinary borough manager can steal. Second, I have a feeling they didn’t become billionaires by standing around waiting to have it socked to them. But meanwhile, we want more free stuff! Gimme, gimme, gimme!
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