Okay, we’re not any type of Nostradamus nut like those guys with the weird haircuts on the History Channel, but it seems pretty obvious that the “dancing horse” has to refer to the Denver Broncos logo, right? Because it, the logo, is mostly the head of a horse with an orange mane. Maybe it’s dancing and maybe it isn’t, but it has its mouth open and the same sort of grimace our uncle Bucky had when he was doing the hokey-pokey and put his right leg in and shook it all about before remembering he had a trick knee. Oh yeah, the nine circles could be four quarters of a scoreless tie, so eight goose eggs right there, and then an overtime zip for one team, and a winning score for the other. But which one? Well once we beat the Bungles (see below) and a couple other games go as expected it could be either us or them.
We actually don’t think we’re half bad at this predicting deal. Remember how we predicted last year that the Pirates wouldn’t win the World Series, and that the Browns would stink on ice. Also something about Bernie Sanders being a shoo-in which, okay, didn’t quite work out but remember we also predicted that Peyton Manning would be in commercials for everything but feminine hygiene products. Unless we missed one, that turned out to be right. Pretty sure. Anyway, here goes:
Sports – The Steelers will defeat the Cincinnati Bengals in the first round of the playoffs winning in spite of a controversial triple-unnecessary-roughness penalty that leaves Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict with multiple fractures. Former presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee will be named head coach of the Cleveland Browns and, demonstrating his affinity for the metric system, will dub his new ground based offensive strategy, “2.75 meters and a cloud of dust.” After an 0 – 4 start, the Browns will replace him with new head coach, Bernie Sanders, but will have misgivings when all the offensive plays are run to the extreme left. The Pirates will close out a tremendous season with a one game series against the league’s hottest pitcher and, well, you know the rest. The NFL will scramble to make amends when the Lombardi Trophy is mistakenly awarded to the Cleveland Browns by post-game emcee Steve Harvey.
Politics – President-elect Trump will guarantee the electorate a “fabulous, fabulous administration, that I can tell you” adding, “you’ve never seen a more tremendous administration than this will be since Lincoln, which, by the way, was a total disaster by comparison.” After losing a close race, Hillary Clinton will enter a Buddhist monastery and devote the remainder of her life to prayer, contemplation and prolonged periods of incoherent shrieking.
The Environment – After the most recent of his doomsday predictions proves false, former Vice President, presidential candidate and massage enthusiast, Al Gore, will board a private jet puffing on an enormous cigar and leave for one of his palatial estates, consoling his devoted followers with the parting words, “So long, suckers!” Obama administration officials will demand that the Pentagon develop “smokeless gunpowder” to reduce the incidence of air pollution during combat operations.
Education – University of Pittsburgh officials will announce that campus restroom facilities will henceforth be open to members of the entire animal kingdom so as to avoid discrimination against the “trans-species” community. Inspired by the cancellation of a free yoga class at the insistence of University of Ottawa student protesters, Ivy League activists will denounce french fries as cultural appropriation against the Gallic community and demand the expulsion of students whose mothers bake them congo squares.
Local – Pittsburgh sports legend Bruno Sammartino will be hired as Munhall Borough Manager, vowing to conduct council meetings strictly according to World Wrestling Federation standards. Frustrated by the inability to complain about snow removal, valley residents will resort to complaining about potholes, garbage collection, cloud cover and the price of kolbossi. All the readers of the Valley Mirror will have a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!
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