It’s time to look back on the past year and relive the special times and events that made the year 2013 one of the most tedious in recent memory. “But hold on there, Idler,” you say, “shouldn’t you have done this last week when the new year had just begun?” To which I reply, “Not really, and who let you in here anyway?” The Idler doesn’t like to rush into things right after the New Year’s Eve party because, in the unlikely event of a hangover, it’s always best to give it a week or so to subside before allowing one’s fingers to thunder across the random keyboard. I believe they call this “perspective.” Lock that door behind you on your way out as we start with:
January – The Steelers didn’t make the playoffs, so that month was pretty much a total loss, but hopes were high that all the Ravens starters would suffer season ending groin pulls and ignominiously forfeit the Super Bowl. The TV series, “Downton Abbey” became a runaway hit with the debut of its second season. The show, as far as the Idler can tell, is about old-timey British people acting real snotty to each other.
February – They played the Super Bowl and one of the teams won, so there’s that. Meanwhile, a meteor struck the Russian city of Chelyabinsk injuring 1,491 people, damaging over 4,300 building and causing newscasters all over the country to practice saying “Chelyabinsk.” There was lots of video of the meteor because Russians equip their cars with video cameras as a defense against rampant corruption in the handling of traffic accidents. When asked if he was planning to open a Chelyabinsk office, a spokesman for Edgar Snyder replied, “Nyet.”
March – Pope Benedict XVI resigned due to failing health and Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina was elected the 266th pope, taking the name, Francis. The new pontiff broke with precedent by venturing into the streets to bring the gospel to the common people. Rumors that he planned to release a rap album under the stage name, P-Frankie were quickly denied by Vatican officials.
April -Two Chechen Islamist brothers exploded bombs at the Boston Marathon killing 3 and injuring 264. Official response was to lock down the entire city of Boston while law enforcement undertook a massive manhunt. The response of ordinary citizens was, “Wait, we let Chechen Islamists into the country?”
May – Pirate fans were enthusiastic about the team’s chances. Ha-ha, just kidding, everybody thought they’d crash and burn after the All-Star break like they always did.
June – Government contractor Edward Snowden disclosed the existence of a vast government sponsored electronic surveillance program which can potentially reach into the communications of ordinary American citizens. Correction: None of that it true. The government is our friend.
July thru September – It was Bucco Summer with our Pirates finishing their first winning season in 20 some years with a 94 – 68 record. They even made the playoffs, beating the Reds for a wildcard slot and then taking the Cardinals to a fifth game before losing 6 – 1. Of course, the Idler knew all along they’d have a breakout season.
October – Meanwhile the Steelers started 0 – 4. They beat the Ravens in October, so there’s that.
November – Secretary of State Kerry announced that Iran had agreed to limit their nuclear development program in exchange for sanctions relief. Iranian Supreme leader Ali Khamenei confirmed the agreement, saying, “We’re totally limiting our nukes. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
December – Disgrace to humanity Ryan Succop of the Kansas City Chiefs, who gets paid about 2 million dollars a year to do one thing, kick a football, missed one that high school JV kickers make in their sleep, thereby denying the Steelers a wild card position. His team was eliminated in the first round, proving that God is just.
Stay warm in 2014!
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