One of the things you need to know about the Christmas gift giving season is that you won’t be getting a new car like those people they show in all the TV ads. No one will. Even if your best friend hit the Powerball, he wouldn’t buy you a car and leave it in the driveway with a big red bow on it and wait there until you came out Christmas morning and slobbered all over him. If he was going to buy you a car he’d take you to the dealership and have you pick out the make, model and color you want and probably say stuff like, “This Kia looks nice” and “Oh, you want leather seats too?”. Then you’d have to wait while the title work was done and you’d have to get insurance and everything. Anyway, that’s not going to happen. No one you know is going to hit the Powerball either.
So back here on earth the gift-giving protocol isn’t Powerball so much as small ball. In that spirit, herewith the Idler’s Christmas gift guide for 2015:
Gifts For Women – Whatever you buy in the area of clothing or accessories will be returned or exchanged anyway, and this goes even for stuff from famous designers like Oscar de la Hoya or Melvin Klein. So what you want to do here is pick out the first decent looking getup you find, making sure it’s in a respectable price range and there’s a gift receipt included. True, this is essentially a gift certificate, but not as, you know, impersonal n at. If you can’t quite swallow that financially, you’re going to have to get creative, by which we mean, you’ll have to try and make something. As Napoleon Dynamite reminded us, women love a guy with skills, so you might try making something like a birdhouse where you’ll also score some points on the sensitive, ecological front. Maybe join the Audobon society to make it look good. Most women won’t appreciate your creative efforts in the homemade beer or wine department but if you find one, hold onto her, you lucky devil.
Gifts For Men – We’re easy. Go with cigars, but you need to spend at least $3 or so for decent ones. If he doesn’t smoke, try a nice bottle of whiskey. The Idler prefers straight whiskeys – bourbon, Irish, Scotch in that order – but some guys like blended. If he doesn’t drink whiskey a case of brewskis is cool, or maybe one of those little kegs. Not a beer drinker? Well you can’t go wrong with a bottle of wine, something we know next to nothing about except that cold duck gives us a total thumper of a headache. Not a drinker at all, eh? How about golf clubs or golf balls? No? I’ll tell you what, get this guy some incense and a yellow toga ‘cause you’re hanging out with the Dalai Lama.
Gifts For Kids – We’re told kids like something called “Shopkins” which are tiny little colorful, . . . we don’t actually know what they are, but little girls are crazy about them. They’re like Cabbage Patch dolls were back in the 80’s so there’s no point in trying to buck the trend. Tween girls are into wacky clothes which you’ll have no chance of figuring out, so go with money. Little boys and tween boys are into smashing stuff to smithereens. Actually, all boys are into that so anything capable of reducing things to rubble, either onscreen or in real life, will do. Then maybe something capable of reducing those things to rubble. Also, huge boxes are useful for building forts.
Gifts For Co-workers – The foregoing tips will apply here with the caveat that you might want to do some cyber research. For instance, if you’re the “Secret Santa” for someone who has suddenly started growing a beard, you might check Amazon for inexpensive grooming supplies. While you’re there, check and see if he has an Amazon “Wish List.” If it contains items like “detonators” or if his answering machine OGM (outgoing message) uses the phrase, “death to infidels” you should consider skipping the office Christmas party.
Gifts For The Idler – Oh, please, we have everything an Idler could ever wish for. Of course, if you insist, well, let’s just say it’s smaller than a breadbox, liquid, and rhymes with “Swim Team.” One more tiny hint: if you can’t find it anywhere else, try the state store. That’s it! No more clues!
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