The Bernie Sanders campaign is experiencing some problems. One of the qualities Americans prize in a leader is a sense of humor, especially the self-deprecating kind, and Sanders has yet to deliver any really boffo comedy gags. Donald Trump hosted Saturday Night live last weekend and got off some good ones. Hillary Clinton appeared a few weeks earlier on the same show and turned in a good performance in one of their memorable skits. Republican candidates like Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie have shown flashes of humor, with the latter swiping at the CNBC moderators’ conduct as “considered rude even in New Jersey.” I guess it would be asking too much to have Rand Paul and Christie don bowler hats and tear off a Laurel & Hardy skit. Lincoln Chafee could often be unintentionally hilarious and some candidates have shuffled off before we had a chance to see how funny they could be. Scott Walker we hardly knew ye.
The humor deficit isn’t all Bernie’s fault. He’s a rather dour fellow to begin with and his schtick, socialism, is all about envy and grievance, emphasizing the fact that those millionaires and billionaires have millions and billions and you don’t. It’s tough to turn that sort of thing into a laugh riot but, hey, you never know until you try and although we here at Idler Global headquarters are often full of bourgeois, we don’t mind helping the odd champion of the proletariat. Here are a few zingers Bernie might choose from to lighten up his next debate or rally:
Q. How many billionaires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they’re too busy exploiting the toil of the masses!
Ha-ha! What? No good? Okay, then, how about this one:
A priest, a rabbi and a Venezuelan go into a bar. The priest says, “I know of a good altar wine we could try.” The rabbi says, “How about a nice glass of Mogen David?” The Venezuelan says, “Just hurry up and order before the price doubles again!”
Get it? Because the inflation rate in socialist Venezuela is 808% Alright, one more try:
A socialist walks into a confessional. The priest asks, “What are your sins?” The socialist replies, “I bought a portrait of Lenin at a garage sale for $20 and sold it the next day for $10,000.” The priest says, “That’s not a sin. I can’t give you absolution if you haven’t sinned.” The socialist says, “That’s okay, I’m not even Catholic.” The priest says, “If you’re not Catholic, why are you telling me?” The socialist says, “Who else am I going to tell? “
See, cause a socialist couldn’t brag about . . . Not working for you? Then how about we provide Bernie with some one-liners. Fill in your own rim-shots:
“I just came back from a pleasure trip. I took Hillary to the airport!.”
“I heard she and Bill invested in a waterbed. He’s calling it the Dead Sea.”
“A running dog capitalist, an imperialist plutocrat and an oppressor of the working class walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘What’ll you have, Mr. Trump?’”
Maybe a funny Bernie Sanders is a hopeless cause,so let’s see what we can do for Carly Fiorina who strikes us as smart and eloquent but not particularly amusing. We think she should try some riffs along the lines of,
“The other day I went to a fight and an episode of ‘The View’ broke out!”
“This program, ‘The View,” has been responsible for the sale of a lot of televisions. I know this because I sold mine. My neighbor sold his.”
“Nothing personal, but if that’s the view, draw the shades and turn out the lights.
“I pledge that as president, I will see to it that every American has a paper bag big enough to cover the screen when the View comes on!”
“Take my poll numbers. Please!”
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