While we were passing out the kit-kats last weekend we got to thinking how crazy the world has gotten lately. And we don’t just mean that dog in the parade that was dressed up like a bumblebee. It seems like every day there’s another strange event or some oddball news that has us wondering, what’s next? Here are a few recent ones:
The Dangers of Inflation – A week ago, a secret military blimp broke away from its mooring and took a 3 hour, 150 mile trip from Aberdeen, MD to Montour County. I know what you’re thinking. That’s better time than you make driving to Erie on 79. And there would be no orange traffic cones or lane shutdowns to negotiate. Sure bathroom breaks might be a problem but I’m sure that if you were, um, discreet about it, the farmers wouldn’t much care. And what are the livestock going to do? I suppose the pigs might squeal. The blimp was about 250 feet long but the only real damage was done by the 6,000 foot tether line which tore down power and phone lines as it went along. Heck, without that drag, the blimp might’ve averaged 75 mph. Plus I don’t know why you couldn’t shorten it up, attach a little basket and use it to arrange for fast-food pickups. If they wouldn’t take your credit card, maybe you could float a loan.
Yes or No, Have You Stopped Beating Your Wife? – And how about that presidential debate? Oh, right, you probably didn’t see it because, even if you have a substantial cable package, who the heck can find CNBC? But because we at Idler Central are willing to watch the weird stuff so you don’t have to, we can report that the crack CNBC debate moderator team managed to do the impossible. They made Donald Trump look sympathetic. They made Jeb Bush seem like an ordinary Joe. They made Rand Paul look like Mr. Personality. There was one questioner – we had never before heard of any of them, but we think his name was Harwood – who was so obnoxious that if a couple of the candidates, we’re thinking specifically here of Christie and Huckabee, had charged from behind their podiums and done a double vertical suplex on him they would have gotten a standing ovation. Or a pile-driver. That would have brought the house down.
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Comedian and a First Lady Walk Into A Bar – In other political news, a comedian named Jimmy Morales was elected president of Guatemala. The candidate he defeated was a former first lady. His campaign slogan: “Not Corrupt, Not A Thief” Pretty crazy, huh? Lucky for us nothing like that could happen here.
Your Cat Wouldn’t Mind Killing You – Your average 400 lb. tiger will stalk, kill and eat you if he’s feeling peckish. The only reason your average house cat won’t do the same is because he’s lucky if he’s 10 or 15 lb. A study carried out by the University of Edinburgh and the Bronx Zoo has shown that there is no discernible difference between wild feline predators and the neighbor’s cute little kitty except size. If tabby were 400 lb. he wouldn’t hesitate to have you for lunch. We always suspected as much. Cats never seem all that happy to see you. They’ll show up when they hear the can opener but wagging and slobbering like muttley? Not a chance.
Which Supreme Court Candidate Is The AntiChrist? – The one guy who says he’s from McKeesport seems like such a nice guy. By the way, he’s now from Adams County (Gettysburg) which brings up the question, how come everybody who visits there gets a parking ticket? It’s like combat trying to dodge the meter maids in that town. One lady candidate has Franco flacking for her, which is pretty good strategy hereabouts. If she could talk him into playing a few downs now that Bell is on IR, I think it puts her over the top. Hey, isn’t it kind of jarring when the pro and anti political ads appear back to back. One minute they’re like Solomon, meting out even-handed justice and the next they’re turning Manson loose in your backyard.
The Mets Were In The World Series – If they had won we’re pretty sure Nostradamus said the Second Coming was at hand. Not to worry, though because the Steelers have to win one more ring before the apocalypse. That’s from the First Book of Myron.
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