The above headline caught the Idler’s attention because we were once in the Centennial State and there didn’t seem to be enough people there to support a 9 figure monthly hemp habit. Through the miracle of Wikipedia we checked and, sure enough, there are only a little over five million people in the whole state as of 2014. If you exclude the elderly, small children, certified public accountants, Republicans and others unlikely to be sparkin’ up a doobie, you’ve got maybe 2 million eligible tokers. Even at an average $300/oz., that’s a lot of bud, Bud. Plus, taking into account how hard math can be for stoners, this would come to about 20 gazillion dollars per smoker, give or take.
Make no mistake, Idler readers, marijuana is still a “controlled substance” where you dwell, and possession of same, especially when done “with intent to deliver” can have you talking to policemen, lawyers, judges, probation officers and maybe even jailors over the course of several years. Don’t ask us how we know that. Did we mention lawyers? That’s the worst part. Not only can’t you possess, smoke it or sell it, you can’t grow it either, so don’t think you can get away with some sort of agricultural explanation. “Honest, officer, I thought it was a fern.”
There are also a lot of practical problems associated with drug use:
Everything Will Be Extremely Funny – We were once in a pizza place behind a couple of stoners who noticed that the popcorn machine was made by the “Whiz-Bang” Company. This caused one of them – we think it was Cheech – to laugh so hard he fell to the floor. Meanwhile our hoagie was getting cold. Or, you may one day find yourself in front of a judge who will solemnly ask you if you have anything to say in your own defense before sentencing. Any hilarity you find in this dramatic moment will probably cost you dearly.
No Dessert Will Survive 24 Hours In Your House – It’s true what they say about “the munchies.” Which, by the way, is the thinking behind “medicinal” marijuana – it allows people to eat when their illness or its treatment involves loss of appetite. If your appetite is unimpaired, though, well, anything goes. You know how, instead of having an ordinary slice of cake, you’ll take a lot of little slivers until you’ve eaten half of it? You’ll eat the whole cake.Then you’ll order a pizza.
You’re Too Cool For School – Marijuana makes you stupid. True, that’s part of its charm but you can’t charm your way through quadratic equations or Boolean algebra. Nor can you sleep your way through them, and the allure of cutting class and blowing off appointments is overpowering for a stoner.
Your Dope Friends and Your Other Friends Won’t Get Along – The former are into video games, Alice B. Toklas brownies and strawberry ice cream while the latter are into beer, burgers, rock climbing and whitewater rafting. Sure they’ll both be into goofing off, but eventually you’ll have to choose.
Idling Should Only Be Performed Unimpaired – Idling isn’t just a hobby or a pastime, you know, it’s a way of life. Sure it involves a lot of frivolity, but that doesn’t mean it should be taken frivolously. Lying about in a semi-conscious stupor is no way to idle – you need to lie about with conviction and purpose. An Idler must be fully aware of all the serious aspects of life in the early 21st century and then consciously ignore them. That’s why, when it comes to drugs, just say later.
Although we do have Denver on the schedule this year, it’s a home game, so if you feel compelled to experiment, you’ll probably want to wait for a possible playoff game to travel to their dope-friendlier jurisdiction. They call it the “Mile High City”, you know.
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