In an ongoing effort to keep you up to date on international affairs, the Idler brings you the latest news out of North Korea. It seems that that country’s boy dictator, Kim Jong Un, has been out of the public eye for several weeks, prompting speculation among informed sources that he’s developed an ailment stemming from over-consumption of cheese. The major health challenge to his countrymen also involves food – they don’t have any – but while everybody else in his socialist paradise is starving, the tubby little boss-man has been laid low by his weakness for Emental, a fancy-schmancy variety of Swiss cheese. Seems a little suspicious, no?
Loyal Idler readers don’t have to be told that there is international intrigue afoot here. The unlikeliness of this story coupled with the Idler’s years of oddball cable TV viewing lead to one inescapable conclusion: CIA laboratories have at last succeeded in weaponizing dairy products. The North Korean caper is actually a continuation of a 70’s era espionage project targeting Cambodian mass murderer Pol Pot. Code named “Operation Thais that Bind”, the plot involved a CIA front Bangkok grocer who delivered Jarlsberg to the Cambodian dictator which had been genetically modified to produce near-fatal levels of constipation. Tipped off by a Phnom Penh headwaiter, he switched to Havarti before the the full effect could be realized.
This wasn’t the first such plot.
The body of French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, another short guy with a complex – can’t remember what they call it – was recently exhumed in order to determine whether he had been poisoned or died of natural causes. The investigators ended up discounting the poisoning but settled on a diagnosis of a serious gastro-intestinal condition. Here was a man for whom one of the great cream-filled pastries of all time was named. Could it be that Czarist Russia had succeeded in waging “blintz-krieg” on the unsuspecting Frenchie?
It is well known that Nazi dictator, Adolph Hitler, suffered from a variety of digestive ailments , including irritable bowel syndrome, with symptoms so severe that he once had an entire platter of bratwurst shot. He did, however, have a weakness for late-night cakes and pies. Learning of the Fuhrer’s sweet tooth, British intelligence arranged for the delivery of a tray of exploding strudel to the infamous “Wolf’s Lair.” The plot was foiled, however, when one of the lethal pastries fell off the delivery truck and blew up a Panzer.
You can’t discuss ruthless tyrants without Joseph Stalin’s name coming up. This guy was the Mack Daddy Despot, the Beast from the East, the Big Cheese from Tblisi. Stalin was sufficiently health conscious that he was known to have a doctor executed if his stethoscope was too cold. If a doc gave him a shot, he wouldn’t hesitate to return the favor. But he had certain favorite menu items, and they may have spelled his doom. For instance, he loved “golubtsy,” a Russian dish made by stuffing ground meat, rice and spices into cabbage leaves which is all topped off with a tomato sauce and placed in a roaster. Sound familiar? If you’ve lived in this area for more than about about a month, you’ve experienced the local Slovak version, known as “halupki”. They’re unmatched for taste and nutrition, and their heft, compactness and a certain digestive assertiveness have earned them the affectionate name, “hunky hand grenades.” Did one go off in Uncle Joe? Inquiring minds want to know.
Meanwhile, don’t be surprised if there are reports of weapons-grade tabouli circulating in the Mideast.
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