Relax, fellow Idlers, Christmas didn’t sneak up on you yet. Besides, the Christmas holiday is only the most wonderful time if you’re 10 years old or have cornered the tinsel market in the tri-state area. Now is the most wonderful time of the year for us slackers and layabouts because TV sports viewing, the very heart and soul of modern idling, is at it’s seasonal peak. Last weekend we had the Pitt game Friday night, Penn State and dozens of other college games on Saturday, and our Steelers on Sunday. The Pirates swept the Cubs last weekend and we could do it again this weekend! Steelers – Ravens coming right up. Life is good.
With this in mind, the Idler brings you this Fall preparation-for-TV-Sports-viewing checklist. Yes, we realize that it should have come out a week ago, but if it had, we could have fairly been described as diligent and on-the-ball, and how would we ever live that down? Let’s begin by taking a look at the place you parked your carcass 6 to 8 hours per day last weekend
The Recliner This piece of equipment is absolutely essential for competent idling, and if you don‘t have one, you ought to keep your eyes open for a furniture store on your next beer run. The Idler doesn’t recommend any particular brand, although he is open to endorsement offers. Let me be clear, as the politicians say, we would never sell out, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be bought out. I mean, “Official Recliner of the Idler,” that’s gotta move some merchandise, am I right? OK, where were we? Oh yeah, if you already have a recliner, take a look at the undercarriage for signs of wear and while she’s up on the rack, remove any bottle caps, cheese curls, cigar butts or other obstructions that may have lodged in the springs and hinges and stuff under there. You might need a nap in between games and it’s vital to have that foot lifter-upper thingy functioning properly.
Man Cave Hygiene Your aim is to strike a balance here. If your venue is too inviting, you risk having an invasion of women-folk bearing veggie trays and trying to replace your French onion dip with hummus or some stuff you can’t pronounce that people in the third world have to eat because they can’t afford cheeseburgers. So go light on the Febreze and shoot for a level of clutter that will ever so slightly offend the more delicate sensibilities. If you have a bathroom back there, well, you don’t have to go crazy with the Lysol, do you?
The Remote You should treat your clicker the way a Marine is taught to treat his rifle. OK, not that seriously, but remote-proficiency is still vital to successful idling. Some of our buddies who are veterans claim, while sober, that they can field strip an M16 blindfolded in three minutes. We feel that an accomplished idler should be able, while blindfolded, to dial in two 3 digit HD stations, work the flashback and the volume, and click on the DVR, with either hand, interchangeably, no matter how many brewskis have been consumed, all while balancing a meatball sub on one knee. This should be done In one minute, and you have to stay awake with the blindfold on.
We’re looking for a few lazy men.
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