The latest news out of Gotham isn’t so great depending on your point of view. Apparently the crime rate is rising and people are blaming it on Bill DiBlasio, the Democratic mayor, who ran on a platform of being squishy-soft on crime. No, ha-ha, that’s what his political opponents say, but he did pledge to end the stop-and-frisk, and (alleged) profiling policies used by police in previous administrations, and people think that’s responsible for the spike in crime. But what’s really grabbed the headlines are the goings-on in Times Square. Apparently it’s overrun with topless women.
We personally don’t have anything against topless women but we could understand how the average tourist from Peoria or Dubuque or West Homestead might be reluctant to have the kids hob-nobbing with a squadron of comely lasses in G-strings. This type of thing never seems to occur hereabouts, probably because our laws about nudity are different from the New York variety particularly in the technical area of your having to keep your clothes on in public.
We can’t imagine our local politicians having much trouble dealing with this type of issue, though. After an initial exchange of blows – we’re told that in Munhall, for example, an ordinance empowers the President of Council to throw the first punch at regular meetings – our deliberative bodies would simply enact a special law to deal with the problem. Only then would they turn to the regular municipal business of head-butting and strangulation. Incidentally, a glance at last week’s minutes reveals that the three knockdown rule will apply to future council meetings, but the standing eight-count will no longer be in effect.
Speaking of smut and fisticuffs, we have yet to hear of anyone famous being outed in the Ashley Madison kerfuffle, although former president Bill Clinton has been unusually quiet lately. Mrs. Idler can keep her rolling pin holstered since even if we were so inclined (and we’re totally not, honey) the Idler’s credit cards have all been maxed out on pizza, Yuengling and cable TV.
But then just when you think the world might not have gone completely crazy we find out about Jared, the former Subway spokes-creep. Jared reportedly conducted at least one of his felonious rendezvous at the Plaza, the hotel overlooking Central Park, where rooms start at $675 per night and that’s with Expedia. We’re betting he didn’t take the subway there, but soon he may not be able to afford much more than a subway ride since Mrs. Jared has filed for divorce and his former employer is all “Jared Who?”.
But getting back to business we think we’ve discovered a win-win idea to get the battling borough of Munhall back in the black after the embezzlement losses it recently sustained. We found out that the pay per view take from the recent Maywether – Pacquaio bout was in the neighborhood of $300 million. That’s a three hundred with six more zeroes behind it. Not to mention professional wrestling which is a PPV gold mine. Also we read somewhere that there are sunshine laws that provide for the telecast of governmental activities of various sorts. So here’s our modest proposal: Why not market council meetings on a pay per view basis? If people will pony up hundreds to see a skirmish between two professional boxers, how much more will they pay to see two councilmen whaling on each other? Of course we’d want to encourage the councilmen and councilwomen to adopt colorful nicknames, you know, like “Bonecrusher” or “The Rock.” We could even envision the use of costumes, although politicians in general aren’t known to be particularly leotard-friendly, if you get our drift. We’ll definitely need a snappy title, though, something along the lines of “Munhall-a-palooza”
Wait, we may have a winner: “COUNCILMANIA 2015. This Time It’s Personal.”
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