So I was at a buddy’s house and this guy not only has cable but the full package with all 4.5 billion channels. Which is pretty cool when you’re up at 3 AM and you want to catch the World Cup of Cricket Finals out of Melbourne Australia, or the Tuna Throwing Championship, also out of Australia (there seems to be a pattern emerging here) but can get pretty confusing if you decide to watch the news.
Sometimes one cable station will breathlessly lead with a story that the other cable stations and the broadcast ones don’t even talk about. Other times they’ll all do the same story but with wildly different interpretations. After the newscast there are shows where they talk long and loud about how stupid, evil, racist and traitorous the people who don’t agree with them are. And everybody accuses everybody else of being “agenda-driven.” At first the Idler thought they must be really dedicated to their political philosophies but after about three beers it dawned on us that since it’s television and they’re competing with 4,499,999,999 other channels they’re probably just faking all the drama.
Obviously what’s needed is a news service that simply reports the news, all the news and nothing but the news accurately and with no attempt to pass it through an ideological lens. Good luck with that! Meanwhile, as a service to you, the home reader, the Idler herewith presents his twisted, slanted and ill-informed version of some of the latest hot-button issues:
The Iran Nuclear Agreement – Secretary of State John Kerry emerged from a negotiating session with Iranian hardliners that was so hardline he staggered out on crutches, sporting a black eye and with several canaries circling his head. Recounting the grueling talks he admitted that at the last minute the US had to throw in snow tires and leather seats to close the deal. Bystanders reported seeing hotrods from the Iranian embassy doing donuts in the State Department lawn.
Planned Parenthood – Remember when you were a kid and they’d read Grimm’s fairy tales to you and it would freak you out? All those kids being torn limb from limb, devoured by animals and cooked in ovens. That’s what this story reminds the Idler of. It’s like Hansel and Gretel where an evil old witch tries to kill some innocent little kids and shove them in an oven. Now they expect us to believe that in our enlightened age there would be lady doctors so depraved they would connive to kill babies, cut them up and sell their livers and kidneys and stuff. So what are they, monsters? Like that could ever happen.
Donald Trump – We’re getting a little fed up with the Donald too, but he keeps slapping all the other news around and telling it that it’s fired. Every once in a while when you hear about politicians appearing at “fundraisers” where it costs $25,000 or $50,000 or even $100,000 to get in, don’t you wonder if the people who pay that much expect something in return? I mean besides a grilled cheese. Wouldn’t you? As obnoxious as he is, Trump’s claim to be spending only his own money is refreshing. Also, he’s the only public figure who shows you his bottom teeth when he talks. We’re not sure why we find that amusing.
The Homestead Cemetery – Just when we thought this story had a stake driven through its heart and been laid to rest, it rose up again, this time at a meeting of the Munhall Borough Council that appeared on Youtube. Could this be the beginning of the dreaded zombie apocalypse? Also, who wrote the infamous letter that the mayor alluded to and why did the councilman insist that he file it where the sun don’t shine? Does this mean there are vampires involved?
The Nicki Minaj – Taylor Swift cease-fire – We don’t actually know who these two are, but their dispute seems to be about one of them passing notes about the other one in study hall. The deal appears to be working, though, even though John Kerry didn’t have anything to do with it.
Comments – DickVerbo@hotmail.com Also, Like “The Idler” on Facebook