“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” ― Hillary Rodham Clinton

Today, the Idler brings you in-depth analysis of current gripping news stories you’ve probably never heard about, but should because, you know, they’re current. And gripping.

The Mideast Crisis – Yeah, we know, there’s been a Mideast crisis of one kind or another since the Akkadians got honked off at the Hittites for grazing goats in the hanging gardens. One firm rule of in-depth analysis of any given mid-east crisis is that it’s always Israel’s fault. When terrorist nutjobs kept blowing up buses in Israel and killing school children, the Israelis decided to build a wall to keep them out. This strategy worked so wonderfully well that it immediately aroused intense international condemnation. From time to time, some militant group will start lobbing rockets at the Israelis who get everybody mad at them by trying to blow up the rocket shooters. Remember when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and we were in the process of kicking him out? He responded by firing Scud missiles at Israel. But now we find ourselves backing Saudi-led forces fighting Iranian-backed rebel militias in Yemen, and simultaneously backing Iranian-led  forces in Iraq in their fight against ISIS militants. This is known as “Smart Diplomacy.”

Breaking News

Richard III is Still Dead – Some of you may recall having to read the Shakespeare play in school. There was a movie too with Olivier as the title king. He famously portrayed him as a murderous, scheming hunchback with a speech impediment. Apparently they’d been looking for his grave for 500 years or so and finally found it under a church parking lot in Leicester England. An examination of the skeleton revealed that ol’ Richie took a lethal shot to the head in the Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485. It might have been from one of the cooler weapons of the era, a mace, which is a big spiked ball at the end of a bat or a chain. Somebody got medieval on his cranium. He also seemed to have some serious scoliosis which would tend to confirm the hunchback treatment given in the play. Some troublemaker raised the question of whether, since Richie-trey cashed in the royal chips a century or so before Henry VIII, the Catholics should be called in to officiate. This person was quickly subdued and the remains re-buried before the pope had a chance to chime in. A friend of ours who majored in English and coincidentally is unemployed wondered if, after the second funeral, the Queen looked around and yelled, “My kingdom for a hearse!”

Stormy Weather – Well not stormy so much as dreary. That’s right, some pointy-headed geek with a “blog” has announced that Pittsburgh is dreary. Also that a dog occasionally bites a man. The worst part is that we came in tied with Portland for second. Apparently Buffalo is drearier – there’s a shocker – but Seattle is tied with them for 1st place. The city that lost four consecutive Super Bowls can’t even spike the ball in the dreariness endzone. I mean, if you’re going to stink up the joint, you want to be undisputed top skunk. They used huge data sets of statistics measuring precipitation and cloud cover to determine dreariness. You could probably do the same thing if you had a supercomputer. Or you could look out the window. Either way.

So there’s the news. Isn’t it remarkable that I have managed to make it fit exactly into the space allotted? Actually, I accomplished this through the use of sophisticated journalistic strategies which only the most accomplished writer can

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