“Dying is easy; comedy is hard” – Actor Edward Gwenn on his deathbed

So Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave his controversial address to Congress. You probably know the background. There seems to be a great deal of discord between the White House and the Israeli government. The Congress invited Netanyahu to speak without consulting with the Executive branch. President Obama is refusing to meet with his Israeli counterpart. It all seems pretty childish to us, and even though the subject matter is deadly serious, it was an opportunity for everyone to dial it back a notch and try to see the lighter side.


Some of our greatest comedians have been Jewish, and it certainly would have been a good idea for Netanyahu to draw on this comedic tradition. We don’t know anything about nuclear proliferation or uranium-enriching centrifuges, but next time it wouldn’t hurt to try a little Henny Youngman or Jack Benny while addressing Congress. Even Groucho Marx or Rodney Dangerfield would help. In the interest of international peace and goodwill, we’d like to offer the Prime Minister some material we’ve stolen from a variety of comedy greats:

*  “It’s great to be here!  What a great crowd!  I just flew in from Tel Aviv and boy are my arms tired! But seriously, folks, I stayed in a really old hotel last night. Really old. It was so old, they sent me a wake-up letter!”

*  “But I’ll tell you, there seems to be a lot of tension in American politics. Have you seen the shiner on Harry Reid? I heard he went to a fight and a joint session of Congress broke out! I’m tellin’ you it’s tense around here, tense! You know how tense it is? I ran into Biden out in the hall and he asked me for a back rub!”

*  “And how about that Speaker Boehner? What a funny guy. He took me out to dinner the other night and I laughed so hard I dropped my tray! But you have some tough customers on both sides of the aisle. I heard that the Republicans haven’t spoken to Nancy Pelosi in ten years. They didn’t want to interrupt her!””

*  “But hey, take my Knesset. Please! Let me tell you, we don’t always get along so well in my country either. I asked the opposition leader why everyone in his party hated me. He said, ‘don’t be ridiculous, some of them haven’t met you yet.’ It’s tough in my country, I mean you might have an immigration crisis, but we can’t seem to get along with the neighbors either. Did you hear about the Palestinian who got a heart transplant from an Israeli donor? The operation was a success but he can’t stop throwing rocks at himself! ”

*  “At least you have decent television in this country. You should see some of our neighboring countries’ shows. Let’s see, there’s ‘Husseinfeld’, ‘Who Wants to Behead a Millionaire’, ‘Really, Really Mad Men’, ‘Game of Drones’, ‘So You Think You Can Suicide Bomb?’. I’m tellin’ you, it gets even worse:  ‘How I Met Your Imam’,  ‘Keeping Up With The Zawahiris’, ‘Breaking Baghdad’, ‘House of Kurds’, I could go on and on. No, wait, ‘I Could Go On and On’ is actually our Jewish mother reality show.”

Anyway, with this assortment of one-liners, Bibi is bound to be a hit. And if they decide to invite the Iranian head of state to speak, we’d be happy to provide some equally snappy repartee, guaranteeing him some tremendous laughs. I mean, you wouldn’t want him to bomb, would you?

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