It’s time for the Academy awards again, and we don’t know about you but the Idler is getting pretty tired of all these fancy-schmancy “sophisticated” films with complicated plots and big social “messages.” And what about the pretentious actors who get all dramatic about driving around in a Lincoln SUV. Where are the old fashioned movies we’ve enjoyed down through the years with easy to understand story lines and likeable characters? The movie Steve Martin is talking about was never even nominated, even though Dude, Where’s My Car? was the inspiration for the Pirates’ “Zoltan” sign. You can’t get any more “relevant” than that, can you?
Not that there’s anything wrong with a film that comes with some controversial baggage. I mean, people may still argue over whether Patton should have slapped that soldier around, but if you were trying to figure out who the bad guys were, there were plenty of nazis to point to. Or take “Shane.” You didn’t have to watch past the first reel to know that Jack Palance was your villain.
We feel that Hollywood should be encouraged to produce more Idler-friendly fare, and to that end, we have come up with some film suggestions with local flavor that the late Johnny Carson’s Art Fern would be proud to feature in his “Tea-time Movie”
Goon Girl – Ben Affleck, Johnny Paycheck, Alexander Dubcek – A comely young Teamster breaks both hearts and legs as she claws her way to a leadership position in her local.
The Silence of the Lambdas – Marlon Brando, Sal Bando, Martin Landau – Fraternity brothers clam up when the dean discovers their plot to TP the entire Cathedral of Learning
American Griper – Bradley Cooper, Cyndi Lauper, Dennis Hopper – The laughs never start when a kvetching GI manages to get discharged for chronic complaining about his Meals Ready to Eat.
The Invitation Game – Keira Knightley, Dick Daley, Pearl Bailey – A shy computer nerd hacks into Facebook and succeeds in “friending” all of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models
Frozen – Ice Cube, Ice T, Vanilla Ice, Hannah Storm – A princess from a faraway tropical kingdom journeys to Western Pennsylvania in her quest for the magical sidewalk salt that will lead her back to a civilized climate.
The Lord of the Rings – Joe Green, Kevin Greene, Hugh Green, Ben Vereen – In this madcap comedy the Steelers front office, after a series of frustrating seasons, decides to draft unknown Junior College kicker, Bruce “Crazy Legs” Green based on the theory that their best teams were the ones that had someone named “Green” on the roster.
The Locke Hurter – Ted Danson, Mark Melancon, Marilyn Manson – A shy, unassuming pitcher proves his mettle in a benches-clearing brawl sparked by a brushback pitch he throws at his nemesis, the league’s leading slugger.
American Skyper – Bill Gates, Kathy Bates, Tom Waits – A well meaning doofus butt-dials Kim Jong Un, then touches off a tense nuclear confrontation when he mistakes him for the counterman at his favorite Chinese restaurant and tries to order General Tso’s chicken.