The Idler can’t say he was ever the biggest John Lennon or even Beatles fan, but for a rock star, Lennon actually knew some history. At least enough to deduce that pilots flying for a German airline in the mid ‘60’s were likely World War II era Luftwaffe veterans. Do you think any of today’s musical teen heart-throbs are capable of cracking wise in so erudite a fashion? Today’s celebrity bad-boy du jour, Justin Bieber, has gotten off such penetrating insights as, “Friends are the best to turn to when you’re having a rough day,” and “I want my world to be fun” and, “Canada’s the best country in the world” We don’t want to be too hard on “the Bieb.” He’s only a kid after all, and while we’ve never been overwhelmed by his vocal talent, he did do a workmanlike job playing the piano on a New year’s Eve telecast we saw.
The Idler was but a child when another even more famous performer of similar youthful exuberance was developing a somewhat less than savory reputation. We don’t recall Elvis having any major brushes with the law, but his gyrations on stage were thought to be entirely too provocative for mid- 50’s sensibilities. Know what saved him? Getting drafted. It was actually a career enhancer for the king. It established his image as an all American boy and it didn’t hurt that he met his future wife, Priscilla Beaulieu, while in the military.
Why wouldn’t it work for the Bieb?
But Bieber is Canadian, you patiently explain, and Canada is where people go when they don’t want to be drafted. OK, it’s a problem, but problem solving is what the Idler is all about. Along with the idling. First we’d have to get the Canadians really, really mad at us, and this could be accomplished by arresting Sidney Crosby and other Canadian NHL stars so they couldn’t play on Canada’s Olympic hockey team. Next we could tell Toronto Mayor Rob Ford that John Kerry called him a fat “hoser” which is a highly inflammatory Canadian hockey-related (but I repeat myself) insult. Then we could get that cannibal rat ship they cut loose in the Atlantic and push it right back down the St. Lawrence seaway at them. All this coupled with the Olympic one-and-done is bound to prompt a response from Mayor Ford which would probably involve a belly bounce but might also include military action. As a last resort, we could outlaw round bacon and ginger ale which I’m thinking almost have to be their two principal exports. This would inevitably lead to a declaration of war. True, we could embargo Canadian whiskey too but hey, let’s not risk a nuclear exchange.
Before you know it the Bieb is getting his pretty locks shorn and he abandons the Lamborghini for a halftrack. Or how about he goes full Dudley Do-Right with the jodhpurs and the mounted police hat and everything? Career gold, I’m telling you, and he’ll own next year’s Grammys. Speaking of which, did you see Willie Nelson (80), Merle Haggard (76), Smokey Robinson (73), Ringo Starr (73) and Paul McCartney (71) performing last Sunday? They were a lot better than the robots, but maybe the music world could stand a bit of a youth movement.