A brand new year is at our door, one which holds the promise of material prosperity and spiritual growth; one during which we will be writing the previous year on our checks for at least six months; one in which we shall experience afresh the love and friendship of family and friends and forget anew their birthdays and anniversaries. Personally, I feel this is where the computer revolution comes in, because I’m told by a neighborhood kid that now you can enter all your important dates in your “colander” program, which sounds suspiciously sieve-like but which is part of something called your “Goggle” set-up in your “G-man” mail system. Then, if you’ve done it properly by seeking the aid of some insolent young whelp in the K – 12 school system, why they’ll pop right up for you. And when they don’t you can tell people, “I would have sent you a card or something, but my stupid computer doesn’t work.” And they’ll shake their heads and smile knowingly and say to each other, “Shouldn’t we be looking into a home for dad?”
But life doesn’t have to be a “same stuff / different year” proposition. We don’t know what the future holds, but maybe we should try to imagine it. It’s said that everyone has a certain degree of psychic ability. The late Jeane Dixon was wrong about 99% of the time, but people only remember the one or two she hit and, since the Idler has some time on his hands and he ought to be able to crack the 2% accuracy mark without breaking a sweat, why not have a go at the prognostication game?
SPORTS: Football – Inspired by Coach Tomlin’s footwork, NFL offensive tacticians will assign a blocker to take out the opposing team’s head coach on passing plays. Coaches will respond by hiring body doubles to confuse the opposition. In a pre-season Ravens – Niners game, each coach Harbaugh will be knocked unconscious by one of his own players. Basketball – Basketball will continue to be dominated by really tall players who can jump high. Baseball – National League MVP Andrew McCutcheon’s fiancee will convince him to get a crewcut whereupon his batting average will plunge to .161, and he will have difficulty throwing to 2nd base on the fly. By June she will break off their engagement on the grounds that he looks like a total poindexter. Hockey – After a hat trick and a winning shootout goal to give the Penguins their 4th Stanley cup, Center Evgeni Malkin will announce, “I am four score.”
POLITICS: The administration will seek to nationalize the automobile insurance industry by proposing the “Convertible Care Act,” popularly known as “Obamacar.” Motorists will be promised that “if they like their mechanic, they can keep their mechanic”, but will later object when they are forced to pay extra for tractor trailer and “Formula-1” coverage. House Speaker Boehner will be ousted in a power grab by Tea Party sympathizers and will resign to become spokesman for the tanning bed industry.
ENTERTAINMENT: The Country Music Awards will be cancelled in the wake of a nationwide cowboy hat recall. Some rappers will insult some other rappers who will in turn insult them back. Miley Cyrus will be hospitalized in a freak twerking accident.
LOCAL: All the faithful readers of the Idler and the Valley Mirror will have an absolutely terrific 2014.