They say if you like the good old days, try turning off the furnace and building a fire. That’s how our pioneer forefathers and foremothers lived, as the kids say, back in the day. Around New Year’s, though, people like to get nostalgic for the year we just muddled through which admittedly featured, as we recall, central heat. Let’s have a look at it to see if it’s worth getting emotional about:
January – Any way you look at it, this was an awful month. First there was what old timers call a “cold snap” which makes it sound like a temporary weather phenomenon. That’s actually what it was, but when meteorologists started calling it a “polar vortex” it took on a sinister connotation, like it was something they’d make a really bad movie about starring Keanu Reeves. (By the way, one of the local stations should hire a really huge weatherman and bill him as “The Meatier Meteorologist,” Just a thought.)
February – Saying February was horrible is like saying saying the sky is blue or Biden has hairplugs. After a poor first half Super Bowl performance, football legend Peyton Manning was replaced by pizza mogul and all around idiot Papa John Schnatter who threw and rushed for record yardage before being sacked by halftime entertainers, the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
March – A lot of stuff happened this month, but it was all around the time Colorado legalized marijuana. So there was like this plane, from Malaysia or somewhere, and it got lost on its way to this country that has a giant X on it. Also there was a Russian guy who doesn’t like to wear a shirt who invaded another country and then challenged Rocky to a re-match. We never realized how important it was to have an all-night Taco Bell in the neighborhood, man.
April – Fresh from the rollout of the Obamacare website, HHS director Kathleen Sebelius resigned to become general manager of the Cleveland Browns promising jaded fans that if they liked their quarterback, they could keep their quarterback. Upon learning that they don’t like any of their quarterbacks she resigned to take on the general manager’s job with the New York Knicks.
May – It was a pretty good NFL draft from this vantage point. Ryan Shazier and Stephon Tuitt have started, Dri Archer has played and we’ve done a lot worse than that. Anybody remember Limas Sweed? How about Ricardo Colclough? Rumors that Kathleen Sebelius had taken over the Veterans Administration were quickly dismissed.
June – There was an event in Brazil called the “World Cup” where guys in short pants ran around kicking something they called a soccer ball that looked exactly like a volleyball. No one seemed to know what the point of the whole thing was.
July – August – September – A second Malaysia Airlines flight met with disaster when it was shot down over Ukraine. Meanwhile, the Bucs looked great, exceeding the .500 mark on June 24th and never looking back. They finished at 88-74 before coming to a screeching halt while facing the immovable object known as Madison Bumgarner of the Giants who went on to win the Series. Pirate fans immediately began a collection to award Bumgarner an all expenses paid trip of his choice on Malaysia Airlines.
October – November – December – The Steelers seemed to be up to their old tricks, playing contenders tough but losing to tomato cans like the Buccaneers, Browns and Jets. They woke up in time to win their last four and five of their last six, and in the process found a punishing running game and a dazzling air attack. Better install a seatbelt on your recliner, fellow Idlers, this could be the real thing!
Happy New Year!