We at Idler headquarters wish you a joyous, serene and uneventful holiday season. We hope the joyous part is fulfilled by your religious leanings and, if not those, then by the general community merriment we experience this time of year. The same conditions will probably work to deliver the serenity. But also, if you happen to be a druid or are simply interested in astronomical stuff, the fact that the days have recently stopped getting shorter and started getting longer should give you a sense of calm satisfaction. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean we can now expect balmy temperatures. Au contraire, the cold weather is just getting started. This is all explained by a concept known as the Coraopolis effect, which is understood only by certain especially brilliant scientists and this guy we met at the Hays Moose who must know what he’s talking about because he has his own weblog. Suffice it to say that it has something to do with the gravitational pull from neighboring Moon Township.
But you’re probably asking yourself, “Why would the Idler wish us an uneventful holiday season?” Simple, because almost all the “eventful” things that happen to you around Christmas are bad. These stem from the disruptions in your pointless day-to-day routine brought on by the holidays and can range from the dog getting the idea that if there’s a tree in the family room it darn well ought to be watered, to a lightning strike on your “Little Drummer Boy” roof decoration. Here are some other examples:
The Horrifying Christmas Present – Don’t ignore relatives when they ask for gift ideas. Tell them: whiskey, cigars, Steeler apparel, John Wayne DVD’s. Because if you leave them to their own insane devices you’re likely to get a 50 gallon saltwater aquarium or a complete backyard beekeeping ensemble. Then they’ll get all suspicious later when you tell them vandals broke in and stole all the fish so naturally you filled the tank with ice and beer. And didn’t they hear about the microburst that whisked all the bees away to Iowa?
The Relative who gets Hammered and Makes a Scene – There are people like cousin Bucky who seem perfectly normal all year round and then they get a few pops of holiday cheer in them and start to relive that Christmas when they were 10 and didn’t get the new Schwinn bike. So then you have to get their car keys away from them and get them a ride home. Worst of all, you might have to talk to them until all that can be accomplished and they want to tell you how much they love you until they decide they despise the very air your breathe. It’s exhausting.
Some Assembly Required – So the Junior DNA Sequencer the wife bought for the one nephew that everyone says is a genius needs some manly attention that will necessitate your hauling out the old tool kit. Also an arc welder, and some plastic injection molding rigs. What do you mean you don’t have a hydraulic lift?
This is why, fellow idlers, you need to carefully study the 39 game bowl schedule and build your personal holiday schedule around it. That way you can snap off excuses like, “I can’t rotate your sister’s tires right now, Honey, I’m watching the Raycom Camelia bowl.” Or, “Can it wait ‘til after the Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl?” Or, “You go ahead and go caroling. Bucky and I will catch up right after the Duck Commander Independence Bowl.” Watch the New Era Pinstripe Bowl, the Autozone Liberty Bowl, the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl. Watch them all if you have to. So Erma Bombeck thinks you should be declared dead. There are fates worse than that, you know.