“Mister Postman, look and see (Oh yeah) If there’s a letter in your bag for me” – The Marvelettes

It’s way past time to take a peek into the Idler mailbag:

mailbag

Dear Mr. Verbo:  Every time I try to get my husband to do some work around the house, he tells me he’s too busy drinking beer and reading “the Idler.” This has got to stop.  –  Rankled in Rankin

Dear Rankled:  I can’t help but agree. Maybe you could gently suggest to him that instead of the brewski, he should try reading the Idler along with several ounces of top-shelf bourbon on the rocks or any of a number of single malt scotches neat. I’ve always felt the Sports page was a better fit for beer, ale or malt liquor. Champagnes or sparkling wines are best enjoyed while perusing the birthor wedding announcements. If the reader should find a Post Gazette lying around, remember, they make excellent coasters. Cheers!

* * *

Yo, Idler:  In your picture you got a nice recliner n at, but what’s the deal with the necktie? You look like Ward Cleaver or something, man.  –  Lobotomized in Lincoln Place

Dear Lobotomized:  Lighten up, chief. When I posed for that cartoon depiction I was 20 lbs. lighter, clean shaven and two dimensional. Now I’m much more like you only without the drool and the scarring.

 * * *

Dear Idler:  I’m looking at some of the other major league teams and it’s like they got Abe Lincoln and U.S. Grant warming up in the bullpen. Personally, I’m cool with all the whiskers but I’m thinking maybe the Bucs should’ve hung on to Hanrahan who had some pretty fair chin music going for him. Have they considered going with a ZZ Top looking starting rotation?                                                     – Hirsute in Homestead

Dear Hirsute:  While the Idler knows as much about sports as the loser on the next barstool, he is reluctant to venture a purely sports opinion when there are so many experts within these very pages. However, when it comes to forswearing the razor in general, I’m all for it and view shaving as a needless and unnatural expenditure of time and energy. Of course, your co-workers may object if the beard seems to consistently require grooming, so you’ll want to tend to that, at least as it concerns keeping your foliage free of  nesting rodents. But hey, anybody whose fastball is clocking in the high 90’s can let that freak flag fly!

mailman

Dear Mr. Verbo:  I followed your advice and took a ride from the Waterfront to Pittsburgh on the bicycle trail. It’s a much longer trip than you said, though. I think I just saw a bear. – Concerned in Connellsville

Dear Concerned:  Turn around.

* * *

Dear Mr. Verbo:  If that’s your real name. I just want to warn you that your nefarious plots will never succeed as long as Bruce Wayne is alive and looking after Gotham!  –  Defiant in Duquesne

Dear Defiant:  I’m going to hazard a guess here that you’re looking for the Riddler, not the Idler. Take your meds. 

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