“Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.” – Dave Barry

This can be a very hazardous time of year, and not just due to the unpredictable weather. Speaking of which, is it really necessary to mobilize the “Severe Weather Action Alert Team Strike Force” just for a couple inches of snow? It snows every December, right? It’s a natural phenomenon that recurs at pretty much the same time every year. If they’re going to get all severe and alarmist and action-y every time it snows, how will we be able to tell when the “Big One” is bearing down on us? You know, the “Mother of all Blizzards” type of event. I think Aesop had a fable about this very thing.

Cheese ball

Anyway,  It seems you have to be careful career-wise this time of year too because places of employment often have office Christmas parties. I know, you have to deal with these bozos eight or nine hours a day, do you really have to socialize too? The answer is yes, you do. People who read management books, by which I mean the nimrods upstairs, like to try to instill “team” concepts in their underlings, by which I mean you, and fading on the company bash is not the sign of a “team player.” So you show up, you take a whack at the cheese ball, tell the Admin how much you like her hideous sweater, and Adios, right? Wrong. You have to “mingle”, Sport. Which means you probably have to toss back some holiday cheer with the boss, and this, my reluctant young friend, must be played very carefully. Because you want to be hearty and congenial and all that, but you don’t want to be one of three suspects in a Monday morning investigation into who put bunny ears on Mr. Throckmorton in the office team photo. Because chances are he’ll be like a total Captain Queeg with the strawberries. So the rule is, one jolt and nurse it.

Christmas lights

Then there’s the epidemic of Christmas-decoration-related accidents that strike homeowners, especially in the burbs, this time of year. There was a famous German architect named Ludwig Mies Van Der Rohe who said “Less is more.” This must be why buildings in Europe are often missing the 13th floor. Plus, if he really believed that, he’d have gone by “Skip” Van Der Rohe, but it is still an important concept when it comes to hanging holiday lights. Thus, anything involving ladders is out. No one is going to look up at your roof to see the plywood Santa you  strapped to the chimney with baling wire, loosening the mortar and dislodging the flashing. Except your roofing contractor, when he climbs up there and, safely out of sight, starts furiously writing four and five figure estimates. I think Murphy’s Law should also come into play here. If, in any proposed Christmas decoration there is a scenario in which you are seriously injured or killed, particularly in an amusing way, that project is out. Leave plywood Santa on the lawn. Maybe plywood Rudolph will give him bunny ears.

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